"No, I Don't Want To!"

Everyone has been dealing with the struggles of having to stay home for the last three months and having school canceled for the year because of COVID19. Let me start by saying, I am not opposed to teaching my children, each summer I require them to read daily and do a page out of a workbook that helps them keep their skills fresh from the previous school year and prepares them for the grade they will be entering in the fall. But this has been a whole different ballgame.

I have 5 children to home school. I have 2 children with dyslexia, 3 children with learning disabilities, 2 children on the Autism spectrum, 5 children with ADD/ADHD, and my youngest is highly capable and (bored with his grade level and is 2 grades ahead in math and reading). I have had to customize my teaching to each child and support each one individually during learning time. I have a million alarms on my phone to get each child on different online meetings, especially my teenagers, they have several different meetings every single day. My children have come to "hate school, hate the corona virus, and hate being stuck home." They are not alone, I hate it too. We have 2 weeks left of school and all of us wish we had been finished a month ago. Everything I tell my youngest three kids to do, from homework, to changing clothes, to helping with chores, you name it, their response has become: 

"No, I don't want to!"

 

My response to them is "I didn't ask if you wanted to, I told you that I need you to."

I have lost my job because once my company opened back up, I had no one to watch my kids while I worked. Thankfully Don got a job stocking shelves at night at Safeway. We are grateful for the income, but working nights has been a challenge in and of itself. He works every night and sleeps all day everyday. He wakes up about a half an hour before the youngest three kids go to bed. So it feels like I am a single parent. Libraries are closed, parks are closed, friends are "off limits", etc. Normally I do not suffer from depression, but I have been so depressed lately that I have had a hard time functioning. I never a moment to myself or a time to recharge. I feel worn thin.

The other morning I woke up and instead of rushing right out to take care of my children and home, I decided to linger in bed and try and feed my spirit, (which I rarely get to do these days). I listened to a talk by Elder Uchtdorf, it happened to be on patience. Fancy that.

Some of the things that stuck out to me were: "Often the deep valleys of our present will be understood only by looking back on them from the mountains of our future experience. Often the most difficult times in our lives are essential building blocks that form the foundation of our character and pave the way to future opportunity, understanding, and happiness. Patience means staying with something until the end. Patience means accepting that which cannot be changed and facing it with courage, grace, and faith.” 

In my mind I said, "Ok Heavenly Father, I hear you. Just like my children, I have been saying "No, I don't want to do this!" I hear my own words echoing back, but this time coming from him. "I didn't ask if you wanted to, I said that I need you to." Even though these situations are not what I have chosen or what I want in my life right now, this is teaching me patience on a greater level. These things will give me experience and help to continue to shape me into a better person. I just pray to be able to endure these things well and that my children will forgive my imperfections as their mother.