"Love can hurt sometimes...but it is the only thing that makes us feel alive."

There is a fairly new song by Ed Sheeran called Photograph, it talks about love. The things it can be and the things it can do for us in our lives. I connect with this song on so many levels. Love is so much more than the fleeting, butterflies in your stomach when you first fall in love.

True love endures through hard times and good times. Love takes work and nurture. When I met and fell in love with Don, I never pictured spending the first ten years of our marriage apart for years at a time because of deployments and trainings with the Army. But the unexpected sadness of separation helped us to appreciate each other, to cherish those wonderful times when we could be together. I also never imagined how it would strengthen us individually and show us all the things we were capable of. It took experiencing pain to bring us to the place we were suppose to be and hard times to become the people we needed to be.

"Loving can hurt sometimes, but it's the only thing that I know. When it gets hard, you know it can get hard sometimes. It is the only thing that makes us feel alive."

I also have always wanted to be a mother. I never pictured having my first baby without my husband, or having to endure the immense pain and struggle that I went with through to bring these little ones into the world.

With my first baby Joshua, I labored for 26 hours having contractions every 3 minutes. I ended up doing it naturally when the epidural didn't take. I pushed for 3 1/2 hours. He was posterior and this made labor and delivery more difficult, but I didn't give up. He was born a healthy 8 lbs. 7 oz. and was 21 inches long. I still cry when I watch that labor and delivery video all these years later. I think if I had realized how hard it would be, or how much longer I had to go, every time they told me "he's almost here..." I might have given up. I was exhausted and in more pain than I had ever imagined, but love was my motivation to keep going.

"Loving can heal, loving can mend your soul and it's the only thing that I know. I swear that it will get easier remember that with every piece of you. It is the only thing we take with us when we die."

I was determined to the best mother I could be when I had Joshua. I begun reading to him at 3 months because I had hated reading when I was growing up. I wanted him to love it. I did flash cards with him, sang songs, played playdoh, took him on daily walks, played instrumental music that was suppose to increase brain activity and ability. He was such a good easy baby it made me love every stage. He was so smart and seemed to be advanced in his ability to speak, talking in sentences, counting to 10, able to say all of his animal sounds before he was even 2 years old. As I put effort into teaching him, it seemed to make such a positive difference.

2 years and 1 week after Josh was born we welcomed our little Samuel into the world. It was a much easier labor. 6 hours and only 1 1/2 hour of pushing. The epidural didn't take again, which was hard, but Sam was not posterior, so everything progressed much better. Don was able to be there for the delivery, due to the unfortunate reason that he had been blown up in the Mosul Iraq Chow Hall Bombing in Dec. 2004. But non the less, he was there by my side and I felt so grateful. Sam was a healthy 9 lbs. and was 20 inches long.

 A couple weeks after Samuel's birth, Don returned to finish his tour in Iraq. He had healed enough from his burns and shrapnel wounds that he volunteered to return. I didn't understand it at the time, but now looking back, I know it was very important to him. A suicide bomber had tried to stop his mission and he went back to finish what he started. He came out triumphant.

 My little Sam ended up having horrible colic and screamed for the first 3 months of his life. I struggled being a "single" mom to two very young children especially with one of them screaming constantly. It didn't matter if I held him, laid him down, fed him, took him for a ride in the car. He just screamed and I couldn't fix it. So I learned to have selective hearing and loved him through the hard times and then celebrated the day he stopped crying and I could enjoy my baby again. Don returned from Deployment when Sam was 5 months and was gone again before Sam turned 2.

I put the same practices into play with Sam as I had done with Joshua. Striving to be the best mother I could be. He became a very happy and sweet baby. But there was one difference, by the age of 2, he wasn't speaking at all, not even a single word. I started him into speech therapy and within 6 months he was speaking in sentences.

By the time Joshua turned 4, I began to have some concerns that he was regressing and that he might have some delays. He was tested for Early Intervention Preschool and qualified in 4 different areas of learning delay. That was the beginning of his IEP or individual education plan. With each parent teacher conference that followed over the next few years, I dreaded going, because it was so hard to hear that Joshua was struggling so much when I was working so hard and had worked so hard with him to help him be successful. When he was in 1st grade I remember sitting there listening to all the areas he was behind in and thinking what in the world are we doing having another baby as I sat there very pregnant with our 3 son. What if this baby has the same struggles? 

When Joshua was 6 and Sam was 4 we welcomed our third son Daniel into our home. He was another hard labor. 12 hours of labor and 2 1/2 hours of pushing. He was my second posterior baby and because the epidural had not worked with my first two babies, I opted for a completely natural delivery. After having him, I remember saying, "I would rather die than ever go through that kind of pain again." He was my smallest at the time weighing 7 lbs 15 oz. He was also born with a complete knot in his cord, which shocked the doctors and nurses. They said he should have not gotten enough oxygen and nourishment to survive. But there he was in my arms. My little miracle baby.

Don was actually home for the whole pregnancy and birth with Daniel up until Daniel was 7 months old and then he left on another deployment.

Daniel was a good baby in a lot of ways. He was also hard. He didn't sleep through the night once until he was 15 months old. But for the most part, he was happy and he loved his older brothers and his mommy. And we loved him.

When Daniel turned 4, he was diagnosed with Autism. My heart broke. I have written more about this specifically in a post on this blog, a couple of years back. Now Daniel is 6. He is repeating Kindergarten this year because he was the youngest in his grade having just turned 6, June 25th and also because of his Autism he is very socially and emotionally behind, still throwing tantrums, still unable to adapt to change. It was a hard decision, but we are hoping it will help him in the long run.

All three of my oldest boys have some form of ADD or ADHD. All three of my older boys have IEP's for one thing or another. All three of my older boys struggle in school in different areas. When I pictured the kind of mother I would be to my children and the effect that my mothering would have on them, I never imagined them struggling like they do. It is hard to hear other people talk about how smart their children are. How easily they pick up on things. How they are "gifted" or in advanced classes. Yet mine are not. If love had anything to do with success, I feel like my children should be some of the most successful people in the world.

Lance B. Wickman said: "Grief is the natural by product of love. One cannot selflessly love another person and not grieve at at his suffering. The only way to avoid the grief would be to not experience the love that gives life it's richness and meaning."

Last week, I attended an IEP meeting for Joshua who just entered Jr. High. I expressed my concerns about how Joshua doesn't manage himself well, forgets to bring home homework assignments, and forgets to turn things in. I can't be there to make sure he does that, and when he gets home there is nothing I can do if he doesn't have it. I expressed how hard I work with my boys on homework, and helping them read, and trying to explain concepts to them. I also explained how I have 5 children to care for and 3 of those have high needs. Later, about half way through the meeting one of the facilitators starting talking about state testing. Saying that if Joshua couldn't pass the state tests this year he would not be able to progress to the next grade. I shut down. Lip shaking, tears welling up in my eyes. I felt hopeless. Thinking...Maybe Josh will never get into High School with the problems he has. Maybe he will never get into college, or find a job. What about my other boys? How successful will they be?

I felt alone. Like nobody understood me or knew just how hard it was. A few days later, I was led to look in the Ensign: Feb 2013 issue. In it there is an article called Refining Fire of Grief by Ashley Isaacson Woolley. It is about a woman who never expected her child to have the struggles he did, but how it taught her to have compassion and empathy for others who also have children who struggle. Towards the end of the article she talks about one night when her and her husband were putting their son to bed and he was crying. She quotes her husband who said: "You know he probably feels abandoned. It's dark in there, and he probably thinks we have forgotten him. He doesn't know that we can see and hear him, because he can't see or hear us. He doesn't know that we are always nearby. As our son was to us, so we are to our Heavenly Father."

Today I found a quote by Jeffery R. Holland that says: "He is there. Our prayers are heard and when we weep He and the angels in Heaven weep with us."

As alone as I have felt, I know Heavenly Father and our Savior are there. I know that not only did the Savior atone for sin, but he also atoned for EVERY grief, sorrow, or sadness we would EVER feel. HE understands completely. I also know from life experience that as hard as it is to watch my boys struggle, these struggles are shaping them into the people God wants them to become. And as their mother, I can still do all in my power to support them, but I also need to trust that Heavenly Father knows my boys, He knows their needs, He has got this.

In these times where I get bogged down with sadness for the things that could have been, I am grateful for the memories we have made with our boys over the years. Those happy moments captured on film and in our minds that no one and no circumstance can take from us.

"We keep this love in a photograph. We made  these memories for ourselves. When our eyes are never closing, our hearts are never broken, time is forever frozen still."

In every way, Love is worth it.

Finding Joy in the Simple Things

Today has been heaven sent. Like coming up for a breath of fresh beautiful air after feeling that I have been nearly drowning for months. Bogged down with trials and struggles. Today I am smiling and I can't stop.

I attended church today with my family. I smiled as I watched my oldest son pass the Sacrament to our congregation. This is his second week doing it and today after he sat down he said "Mom I like this. It is fun!" It is hard to believe that not too long ago he was my baby and now he is 5'6" tall and wears a shoe the same size as his Dad.

I laughed and smiled with my second son as I looked through his drawing book at church and saw not only his creativity of the things he drew, but also the sense of humor that he has. He always runs to me when he sees me in the hall at church and gives me a big hug and kiss. He is such a love.

My youngest 3 children actually went to their classes which they haven't wanted to do since we moved from Alaska, so I was able to fully devote my ears and heart to listen to the lessons being taught. Then the 3rd hour I was able to teach the women's group at our church. I was inspired by their comments and the experiences they shared. I felt confident in my preparations and felt God inspired me in what to say.

After church my kids and I played "Guess Who". They took turns without fighting. I turned on classical music and they danced together in the front room saying things like "may I have this dance" and "may I cut in" when they wanted a chance to dance with their sister. We ate a good meal together at dinner. I love that we don't have to be on some fancy outing or spending money to have a good time. We just enjoy being together.

My husband and I have recently committed a couple of weeks ago to read scriptures and pray together each night as a couple after we read and pray as a family. We went from feeling like busy parents who barely got to say a word to each other all day because of the realities of raising a family of 5 and my husband's busy work schedule, to having precious time at night to not only grow closer to God, but also to each other. Several nights we finish reading and then start talking and can't stop. Which isn't great for getting adequate sleep often times, but it is great for our relationship. He is my best friend and I love this un-interupted time I get to spend with him each night.

Recently the kids and I have been enjoying getting nature again. We have a little couple that perch outside our house each night we have nick named them Mr. and Mrs. Bird.

The kids have a little swimming pool that they have been enjoying playing in this summer.

We discovered "Trevor the Toad" the other day when they were out in our backyard. He hopped up near the pool and they had so much fun chasing him around the yard catching him and having him get away and then trying to catch him again.

A few days later we discovered "Trevor Jr." 

I feel so blessed that I am able to stay home with my children. Instead of being at work, I am lucky enough to be here. To discover things with them. To talk to them. To teach them. To have them gather around me and sit on my lap as I read to them. To snuggle with them after they have had a bad dream at night.

 

 
My hope is that you don't read this and think I am portraying that my life is perfect. Far from it. Also, I am not a perfect mother, but I do the best I can. This week my 6 year old son Daniel (who has Autism) had 4 mega melt down tantrums that lasted for a good hour or two each time. Kicking, screaming, yelling, etc. In those times I feel helpless. Dealing with a toddler throwing a tantrum is one thing. Dealing with a huge 6 year old boy thrashing and failing around is another. Each time I have a child I wish I had a handbook to tell me how to best raise each one. With Daniel there are days I wish I had a doctorate degree so maybe I would know how best to help my son. But the point is, I do the best I can. Then every once in a while the Lord blesses me with days like today and I feel so blessed to be a mother to these 5 amazing little people. Also, so blessed to have been married to my best friend for the last 13 years. Days like today I am reminded to find joy in all the simple things that make my life so rich and full.

The Best Decision I Ever Made 5 Times

Nursing aka Breast feeding. Everyone has their opinion about it.

Some choose not to do it at all because it is just not for them. Some would have liked to do it, but were never able to do it for very long for what ever reason, whether it be poor latch, not enough milk, physical issues etc. For me, I have chosen to nurse every one of my babies and I am very glad that I did.

With my first baby Joshua, I went through the first 14 days with the cracked and bleeding nipples and wanting to cry every time he latched on. I wanted to quit, but talked to my mother in law and my mother and also an awesome group of ladies at church that encouraged me to keep at it and told me it would get better. It did. I did discover that Josh was allergic to the whey in milk and that was coming through my milk. I was changing his diaper one day and discovered blood in his diaper. The doctor confirmed my theory. I went off all dairy, read every label, and lost a ton of weight (not that I needed to) because dairy was about 95% of my diet. But I did it because I wanted to keep nursing my baby. I felt it was the best thing for him and if I had to sacrifice for him I was willing to do it. Plus a happy baby equals a happy mommy.

I was able to nurse him for 15 months until I found out I was pregnant with my second son.

My second son, Samuel was born with colic and screamed non-stop for the first 12 weeks of his life. Again, I went off milk and things improved. I nursed him for 20 months because my husband was gone for training for 2 months and then deployed for 15 months. He needed that comfort and reassurance when his whole life had changed.

My next baby Daniel came 4 years after Sam was born and nursing seemed easy from day one. He was born under nourished because he had a knot in his cord. But he made up for it with breast feeding like a champ. He was my fattest baby from then on. Good healthy baby chub. He was also allergic to whey and I went off dairy right at the beginning. I just kept loosing weight throughout the time I nursed him without trying, until I got down to a size 1 and for being 6 feet tall, that is not a healthy size. So at 15 months I called it good and stopped nursing him.

Little miss Emily came 4th. She was also allergic to dairy, but also corn, tomatoes, and citrus so there was more that had to be eliminated from my diet. She nursed really well right from the beginning and nursed for 15 months until I found out I was pregnant with my 5th baby and quit nursing because I was too tired to do both.

Then there is my Marcus. He was born and had to spend 5 days in the hospital. His Billirubin levels just kept going up despite being under the lights 24 hours a day and the doctor kept threatening that if the levels didn't come down fast Marcus would end up in the ICU or have permanent brain damage from it. The Doctor said baby needed more milk, and more wet and dirty diapers. I tried and tried to get my milk to come in, but I think the stress of all that was going on, kept my milk from coming in. Plus he was so sleepy that he didn't nurse well.

I asked to see a lactation specialist at the hospital where we were staying and she was so helpful. With her help and techniques, my milk came in and in full force. I was producing like crazy and we were finally able to get him healthy enough to go home. Once we were home I discovered that he too was allergic to dairy so I went off it for the 5th time.

Knowing that Marcus is my last, I have not wanted to stop nursing him. Despite all that I have been through physically for the last 7 months. In November, I blew my L5-S1 disc and herniated my L4 disc at the same time and was basically in bed for 4 months. I had a medically necessary hysterectomy in January and continued to nurse him through that recovery. I have had 4 cases of Mastitis since November the last of which was in June and would not let up for eight days. We moved from Alaska to Texas in March and stopped along the way to see family and then arrived at my sister's house in Texas in April. We were temporary there for two months and my husband was commuting back and forth on the weekends from the Army base 3 1/2 away. I didn't want to ween him until our lives had calmed down. That was his source of comfort in all the inconsistency of our lives. We moved again, the beginning of June to our home. I broke out in my first case of hives. It was horrible! My whole body was covered in welts and red spots and I itched like crazy. This is a pic of the back of one of my legs.

They gave me a steroid shot, it just got worse. Finally they gave me a shot of Epinephrine at the ER and within a few days it subsided. With all that my body has been through, and that he is now 18 months or 1 1/2 years (for those who don't speak months), I have decided it is officially time to be done. I have been slowly weening him over the last week and a half.

One of us feels really good about this decision....

One of us does not...This is Marcus after asking to nurse and me telling him "no, nurse is all done."

And then he threw himself on the ground and there was much weeping, wailing, and gnashing of baby teeth. I like weening about as much as I like potty training. One of those necessary steps that is painful, but worth it. Little by little he is accepting this fact that is coming to an end. He is more willing to take a sippy cup instead.

Looking back over these years, I am so glad I decided to nurse. I feel I gave my babies the best start I could.Though I had to make sacrifices along the way, though it wasn't always easy, it was worth it! I will miss this time as well as the time I spent being pregnant and having babies. But now I am graduating to the child rearing, not bearing, phase of my life. I will always remember these times with fondness. It truly was the best decision I ever made 5 different times!

Moving with the Military is not for Sissys

 Well our 3 years in the beautiful state of Alaska has almost come to an end.

 

 

 

When Don first told me that we were going to move here, I was not happy about the idea at all. "It is so dark and cold in Alaska!" I told him. "Plus it is so far away from our families." Now as we are on the brink of yet another new duty station I am so sad to be leaving this place. I have come to appreciate the beauties of this state and have to even learned to enjoy the snow. During the winter, the frost covers and outlines each twig and branch, and the snow on the ground sparkles like diamonds. The summers are bright and I love the almost 24 straight hours of summer sunlight. The land turns green and these flowers called fireweed bloom. It is gorgeous and it makes the long winters bearable. 

 

 I also feel like our family has grown together here. We have learned to rely on each other as a married couple and enjoy our own growing family while being so far apart from the families we were raised in. We do miss them, but being up here alone has strengthened our family unit.

 

 

 

March 10th was Don's report date to come up to Alaska, and even though he had been in the military for 9 1/2 years, we had never PCS'ed or (moved) with the military before. We had no idea what we were doing and by the time his unit gave him the go ahead to start out processing, it was too late for them to get our whole family ready in time. So Don had to leave without us. They told us that the rest of the family would have to wait for a command sponsorship to go to Alaska. I balled as I drove him to the airport thinking how could I care for 4 children alone with the youngest being only 3 months old. Well, the Lord was looking out for us. Don found out right after arriving that he would be deployed the next month. So if we had gone together, I would have been up here alone in a strange, cold place, hardly knowing anyone or having a support system in place. I was blessed to be left behind with the support of family and well established friends. We finally got the approval to move to Alaska the end of September and Don came home from his deployment the first part of October. I couldn't have timed it more perfectly myself. The Lord knew me, he knew our family's needs and he oversaw the details. At the time I couldn't see the path ahead and my faith wavered and I wondered why God wasn't hearing and answering my prayers. When we were all together again, I thanked him for doing it his way and in his time and for not answering my prayer in the way I had wanted him to.

 

Now with that backstory, let me tell you about this PCS. We are suppose to be going to Texas next. Funny how the idea of it is not that appealing right now. Cockroaches, snakes, scorpions, tarantulas, and spiders are not my cup of tea. Alaska has dangerous animals, but you know that when you are safe inside your home at night, you will not roll over in bed and find a bear or moose on the pillow next to you staring you in the face. In Alaska, the spiders here are smaller than a pencil eraser here and I have seen maybe 5 total inside of our house the whole time we have lived here. I don't really want to go there, but I keep telling myself, I didn't want to come here either, so who knows I may learn to love it just as I did this place.

 

 

 

My husband is suppose to be reporting there in April 10th, but we still do not have orders, and in the military everything you do for your move hinges on those orders. We can't schedule the movers, get out of our lease, schedule travel, find a house where we are moving to. We are suppose to be leaving Alaska the 25th of March, that is about 2 weeks away. Also, from everything we are hearing we don't think that the base we are going to has the services our son with Autism needs. We are trying to talk with Branch (they handle assignments and orders) to see about getting a re-assignment to a base that does, and so far my husband hasn't been able to get branch to answer their phone. There are moments of stress for sure, but for some reason this time I am also very calm. Because of last time, I feel like the Lord has a plan for us. We have done everything we can on our end, and now we are just praying and fasting that the Lord will do the rest. We are willing to go where he wants us to go and in the time frame that is best for our family. I truly believe that the Lord hears and answers our prayers and that he knows what we need to become better, stronger people. Despite everything being up in the air in our lives right now, I still have faith that everything will turn out as it should.

 

 

 

Stay tuned for how this move ends up going. We are on the edge of our seats wondering what happens next. ;)

Surgery Updates

I went in as scheduled on January 13th bright and early for my hysterectomy. They did a supracervical hysterectomy meaning they took everything except my cervix and ovaries which is what I wanted. The surgery required a bikini line C-section type cut. Everything went really well with surgery, it took about 3 hours and now I am in the hospital recovering.

This is where you can stop reading if you don't want to know the nitty gritty of what they found or if stuff like that interests you, continue on reading...

When they opened me up they found lesions on the outside of my uterus which tells them I had Endometriosis growing on the outside of my uterus (which they had suspected years ago before I started having children, but it can only be confirmed with surgery, so I never found out for sure until now.) They also discovered that inside the uterus I had Adenomyosis which is uterine lining that was growing into the uterine muscle itself and bleeding into that muscle each time I had a cycle. Another thing they found that I had been having what is called reversed periods where the bleeding goes up into the fallopian tubes and bleeds out into the abdomen, so I had pooled blood in my abdomen. All of these things combined shows why I was in such horrible pain and why I was bleeding so much. It just confirms in my mind that this was the right course of action for me to take. Hearing these things also makes me so grateful that I was able to get pregnant and stay pregnant and have 5 children. I really feel like that in and of itself is a miracle!

So this is a super painful procedure. I have never had a C-section, so I don't know how to compare it to people who have, but the first day felt like having a constant contraction, extreme cramping and pain. Today the cramping is gone, but I am having really bad sharp pains that feel like someone is stabbing my abdomen repeatedly. This morning, they were talking about letting me go home today because they took out the catheter and I was getting up and walking to the bathroom. But later they had to put in another catheter because I had been to the bathroom 4 times and each time had voided 500 ml of fluid, but was still feeling lots of pressure, which was making the other abdominal pain even worse. The nurse did a bladder scan and found that I still had 800 ml of fluid in there. They put the catheter in thinking that must have been a mistake, and then I proceeded to void 1,000 ml of fluid into the cath bag. I am still having bladder retention problems so they are keeping the catheter in until tomorrow morning. This afternoon I developed Mastitis again. I will be seeing the doctor hopefully in the morning and she can prescribe some antibiotics for the mastitis. So they are keeping me for at least another night and day. We will see how things go tomorrow. They moved me down to the pnu now so I have a private room, which is nice. Once I got moved, they also gave me an abdominal belt to help support my muscles better when I move. I walked around the nurses station 3 times for my exercise. Such a little thing, but it wore me out.

My mom is holding down the fort at home and I am so grateful for her help. Don is running Marcus back and forth to me at the hospital so I can keep nursing.

Thanks for the prayers, happy thoughts, and support everyone ~ Much appreciated!

It is Time

What time is it? 1:00 in the morning. I should be cozied up asleep next to my husband, but here I sit at the computer unable to shut my brain off and relax enough to get some zzzz. So instead I will let my fingers fly over the keys as I attempt to convey the thoughts that are swimming through my mind. What is on my mind? Babies. I am not sure if all women are born with this same love of babies, but I have had a love for babies from the time that I was very young.

 

At the age of 5, I remember leaving my house with a baby doll in my arms and thinking, "I wonder if people will think I am this baby's mother?" That thought makes me laugh thinking about it now as an adult, but it was a perfectly logical question in my 5 year old mind.

It is also no wonder that after getting married, babies was naturally for me the very next thought in my mind and so after just 3 short months of marriage my husband and I found out that we were expecting our first baby. I was thrilled, my husband was terrified. He had no career and hadn't been to college. We were both working jobs to make ends meet.

 We were young by todays standards. He was 22, I was 23 when we welcomed our first baby boy into our family. My husband was away at basic training starting the career of his dreams and I was in the hospital suffering through the 26 hours of natural labor and 3 1/2 hours of pushing to bring our little Joshua into the world.

 

But from the first moment when they laid his little body on my chest and I looked into his eyes, I realized that E.V.E.R.Y moment of the 5 months of morning sickness, puking, the uncomforts of pregnancy, and this horrific labor and delivery were worth it. This perfect little baby boy lay in my arms and I was finally a mother.

 

I enjoyed every stage watching Joshua grow during that first year of his life. Being a mother to him made me want to continue having many more children. Since then I have had 4 more children. 5 in total. 4 boys and 1 girl.

 

 

With each pregnancy I have been so excited to hear that first heartbeat on the monitor, to feel the first kick, to hold my babies in my arms for the first time and look into their precious faces and know that I was their mother.

 

Our 2nd baby: Samuel

 

Our 3rd Baby: Daniel

 

Our 4th Baby: Emily

 

Our 5th Baby: Marcus

 

Here comes the problem. After each baby, when they reach about 10 months old, I start hemorrhaging when my monthly cycle returns. Between each baby it has only gotten progressively worse. After having Marcus, I didn't stop bleeding after the regular 6 weeks post partum. It continued for 5 months.

 

I saw a GYN and she thinks I have what is called Adenomyosis. Which basically means the endometrium lining grows into the muscle wall of the uterus causing heavy bleeding, and extremely painful cramping, because as the monthly cycle happens, the lining bleeds into the muscle itself at the same time it sluffs off. She said the only way to take care of this is to do a hysterectomy. I was blessed to have an absence of a cycle from months 5-9, but then they returned with full force. I talked with the GYN again and was told there was nothing more they could do for me, that it was time to start thinking about surgery. I prayed that I could make it to at least when Marcus turned 1 so that I could continue nursing him until then. My cycles stopped for one month and returned on his first birthday. I started hemorrhaging that day for a week and then only had a 10 day break before my bleeding started up again.

 

I feel like that was my answer to prayer and called the GYN surgeon to let her know I was finally ready to schedule surgery. They booked me for January 13th.

 

I had to go have pre-surgery lab work done that day and cried all the way to the hospital thinking about this chapter of my life coming to a close. I mourn the fact that I will never again experience pregnancy, hold my own newborn in my arms, or nurse another baby. Also, I mourn the fact that I will never have another daughter. I have 4 wonderful boys, but I have only been able to experience having one daughter. Don and I prayed that night for clarity and assurance that this was the correct choice and we both woke up the next day feeling extremely calm. This calm has continued and so we feel at ease with the decision. It doesn't make it easy, but at least we won't have regrets. So now I move on from the baby bearing phase of life to the child rearing phase of my life. I have felt it an honor and privilege to have been able to experience pregnancy and participate with my husband and with God in the creation of 5 beautiful children.