It is Time

What time is it? 1:00 in the morning. I should be cozied up asleep next to my husband, but here I sit at the computer unable to shut my brain off and relax enough to get some zzzz. So instead I will let my fingers fly over the keys as I attempt to convey the thoughts that are swimming through my mind. What is on my mind? Babies. I am not sure if all women are born with this same love of babies, but I have had a love for babies from the time that I was very young.

 

At the age of 5, I remember leaving my house with a baby doll in my arms and thinking, "I wonder if people will think I am this baby's mother?" That thought makes me laugh thinking about it now as an adult, but it was a perfectly logical question in my 5 year old mind.

It is also no wonder that after getting married, babies was naturally for me the very next thought in my mind and so after just 3 short months of marriage my husband and I found out that we were expecting our first baby. I was thrilled, my husband was terrified. He had no career and hadn't been to college. We were both working jobs to make ends meet.

 We were young by todays standards. He was 22, I was 23 when we welcomed our first baby boy into our family. My husband was away at basic training starting the career of his dreams and I was in the hospital suffering through the 26 hours of natural labor and 3 1/2 hours of pushing to bring our little Joshua into the world.

 

But from the first moment when they laid his little body on my chest and I looked into his eyes, I realized that E.V.E.R.Y moment of the 5 months of morning sickness, puking, the uncomforts of pregnancy, and this horrific labor and delivery were worth it. This perfect little baby boy lay in my arms and I was finally a mother.

 

I enjoyed every stage watching Joshua grow during that first year of his life. Being a mother to him made me want to continue having many more children. Since then I have had 4 more children. 5 in total. 4 boys and 1 girl.

 

 

With each pregnancy I have been so excited to hear that first heartbeat on the monitor, to feel the first kick, to hold my babies in my arms for the first time and look into their precious faces and know that I was their mother.

 

Our 2nd baby: Samuel

 

Our 3rd Baby: Daniel

 

Our 4th Baby: Emily

 

Our 5th Baby: Marcus

 

Here comes the problem. After each baby, when they reach about 10 months old, I start hemorrhaging when my monthly cycle returns. Between each baby it has only gotten progressively worse. After having Marcus, I didn't stop bleeding after the regular 6 weeks post partum. It continued for 5 months.

 

I saw a GYN and she thinks I have what is called Adenomyosis. Which basically means the endometrium lining grows into the muscle wall of the uterus causing heavy bleeding, and extremely painful cramping, because as the monthly cycle happens, the lining bleeds into the muscle itself at the same time it sluffs off. She said the only way to take care of this is to do a hysterectomy. I was blessed to have an absence of a cycle from months 5-9, but then they returned with full force. I talked with the GYN again and was told there was nothing more they could do for me, that it was time to start thinking about surgery. I prayed that I could make it to at least when Marcus turned 1 so that I could continue nursing him until then. My cycles stopped for one month and returned on his first birthday. I started hemorrhaging that day for a week and then only had a 10 day break before my bleeding started up again.

 

I feel like that was my answer to prayer and called the GYN surgeon to let her know I was finally ready to schedule surgery. They booked me for January 13th.

 

I had to go have pre-surgery lab work done that day and cried all the way to the hospital thinking about this chapter of my life coming to a close. I mourn the fact that I will never again experience pregnancy, hold my own newborn in my arms, or nurse another baby. Also, I mourn the fact that I will never have another daughter. I have 4 wonderful boys, but I have only been able to experience having one daughter. Don and I prayed that night for clarity and assurance that this was the correct choice and we both woke up the next day feeling extremely calm. This calm has continued and so we feel at ease with the decision. It doesn't make it easy, but at least we won't have regrets. So now I move on from the baby bearing phase of life to the child rearing phase of my life. I have felt it an honor and privilege to have been able to experience pregnancy and participate with my husband and with God in the creation of 5 beautiful children.