"No, I Don't Want To!"

Everyone has been dealing with the struggles of having to stay home for the last three months and having school canceled for the year because of COVID19. Let me start by saying, I am not opposed to teaching my children, each summer I require them to read daily and do a page out of a workbook that helps them keep their skills fresh from the previous school year and prepares them for the grade they will be entering in the fall. But this has been a whole different ballgame.

I have 5 children to home school. I have 2 children with dyslexia, 3 children with learning disabilities, 2 children on the Autism spectrum, 5 children with ADD/ADHD, and my youngest is highly capable and (bored with his grade level and is 2 grades ahead in math and reading). I have had to customize my teaching to each child and support each one individually during learning time. I have a million alarms on my phone to get each child on different online meetings, especially my teenagers, they have several different meetings every single day. My children have come to "hate school, hate the corona virus, and hate being stuck home." They are not alone, I hate it too. We have 2 weeks left of school and all of us wish we had been finished a month ago. Everything I tell my youngest three kids to do, from homework, to changing clothes, to helping with chores, you name it, their response has become: 

"No, I don't want to!"

 

My response to them is "I didn't ask if you wanted to, I told you that I need you to."

I have lost my job because once my company opened back up, I had no one to watch my kids while I worked. Thankfully Don got a job stocking shelves at night at Safeway. We are grateful for the income, but working nights has been a challenge in and of itself. He works every night and sleeps all day everyday. He wakes up about a half an hour before the youngest three kids go to bed. So it feels like I am a single parent. Libraries are closed, parks are closed, friends are "off limits", etc. Normally I do not suffer from depression, but I have been so depressed lately that I have had a hard time functioning. I never a moment to myself or a time to recharge. I feel worn thin.

The other morning I woke up and instead of rushing right out to take care of my children and home, I decided to linger in bed and try and feed my spirit, (which I rarely get to do these days). I listened to a talk by Elder Uchtdorf, it happened to be on patience. Fancy that.

Some of the things that stuck out to me were: "Often the deep valleys of our present will be understood only by looking back on them from the mountains of our future experience. Often the most difficult times in our lives are essential building blocks that form the foundation of our character and pave the way to future opportunity, understanding, and happiness. Patience means staying with something until the end. Patience means accepting that which cannot be changed and facing it with courage, grace, and faith.” 

In my mind I said, "Ok Heavenly Father, I hear you. Just like my children, I have been saying "No, I don't want to do this!" I hear my own words echoing back, but this time coming from him. "I didn't ask if you wanted to, I said that I need you to." Even though these situations are not what I have chosen or what I want in my life right now, this is teaching me patience on a greater level. These things will give me experience and help to continue to shape me into a better person. I just pray to be able to endure these things well and that my children will forgive my imperfections as their mother.

"If it takes my whole life, I won't break, I won't bend. It will all be worth it in the end."

Yesterday I received a call from my 10 years old Daniel’s school saying that he was in the principal’s office and I needed to come and talk with the two of them at school and then take Daniel home. Apparently he had gotten into an argument with a student and threw a pencil in the other student’s direction and the pencil hit the teacher. The principal said Daniel has really been struggling the last few days. I said part of that might be that his Dad moved away and isn’t living with us during the week. As soon as I said that, he broke down in tears. Daniel really struggles with change and his daddy is a big part of his life. It is hard to be without him.

Daniel wrote a letter on his own apologizing for accidentally hitting the teacher with the pencil, asked if she was ok, and wrote how he should have handled things differently. Daniel can always do that after the fact. He has been taught right and wrong, but part of the struggle with his Autism is that he doesn’t take a breath between getting upset about something and taking the time to think about the best way to react, he just reacts immediately. I told him that he had lost his chance to play on the switch that day (which he earns for having a good day at school). He cried and asked if there was anything he could do to earn it back. As we walked up to the house I told him that if he picked up the pine cones littering the front yard he could earn it back. He started on his own and then when the task seemed too overwhelming he came to me and asked for my help. I raked and he used the snow shovel to put each pile we made into the yard waste bin. He worked without complaint until the front was completely clear of pine cones and the yard waste bin was full to the top. I thought it was a great teaching opportunity and hoped he would make better choices at school the next day.

This afternoon I was called on the phone by the school and told to come quickly because Daniel was in a state of hysteria and they couldn’t control him. I rushed to the school and when I arrived I was taken to a small room where he usually goes to eat breakfast and lunch (with other students that can’t handle the noise and craziness of the lunch room). I walked in to see various toys strewn all over the floor, and Daniel sitting in a chair, screaming and crying. The principal had been sitting next to him trying to talk to him and help him regain control, but had been unsuccessful in doing so. She moved when she saw me coming and I pulled up a chair next to him. He threw his head onto my lap soaking my pant legs with his tears. I bent down around him allowing my body to put pressure on his upper body to give him the compression that helps him to calm down when he is out of control. I talked with the principal about what had happened. Apparently, Daniel and another student had gotten into an argument and Daniel in anger had thrown a pencil and ruler at the student. When the other student got hit he turned and punched Daniel three times in the nose and eye. I told Daniel we had just talked in detail the day before about not throwing pencils at people, that it was dangerous and he was not supposed to do that. I also acknowledged his feelings and let him know that it was not ok for the other student to punch Daniel. The principal assured us that the other student would have consequences as well. We were told that Daniel had to go home for the day and could return to school tomorrow.

This evening I got a call from the principal saying that Daniel was being expelled from school. She received word from a para educator that walked into the situation with Daniel and the other student and heard Daniel say after getting punched that he wanted to kill the other student. She said they have to meet with a team at the school and do a “threat assessment” to see if Daniel is a threat to the other students at the school. I know Daniel is not dangerous and he was speaking out of anger. It is not ok for him to have said that, but he is also the one with the bruised nose and eye. The other child has no marks on him at all, so who is the greater “threat” here?

Throughout Daniel’s life, his behavior has not reflected what he has been taught. We have loved him with all his quirks, difficulties, and struggles. We have cried over him, prayed about him, taught him every chance we could through words and actions, but to no avail, he doesn’t seem to assimilate any of our teaching. The Beatles sang “All you need is Love” if that was true in this situation Daniel would be a perfectly normal child, but love alone cannot heal him or take away the challenges he will have his whole life. 

I tried explaining to the principal that Don is gone and we have no family close by to depend on for help with my children. I have a job that I am supposed to be at, that I will not be able to go to, because Daniel will be home for the foreseeable future until this meeting can be held and they decide if he will be allowed to return to their school. I explained that Don is not getting paid for his internships even though he works the hours of a full time job and so we are dependent on my income to help pay for our groceries and other bills right now. She said she knows how difficult this will be, but she has to follow protocol and so the decision stands for now. So I may be looking at no employment soon. I have been balling my eyes out all night. Life isn’t fair, I know that, sometimes I just wish it could just be a little easier. I will continue to trust in God and know that he will help us through this difficult time, just like he has in the past.
 

 

Learning to Fly without Wings

Since Emily was in Preschool I have had concerns about her ability to learn to read. At the end of the year her preschool teacher called me in and told me that the class had been learning the names of letters and the letter sounds all year long, but when she tested Emily on how many she knew, she could not get Emily to sit still long enough to give her any answers. I thought at that point that maybe she had ADD or ADHD, which my husband and three older boys have and maybe her distraction was getting in the way of her being able to recite the things she knew. I put it on the back burner and thought I would just continue to work with her at home and she would improve.

In Kindergarten, her teacher kept telling me that she was really struggling to catch on to reading. So I worked with her more at home. We practiced sight words daily and I would try to have her read aloud to me. She was able to memorize all of her sight words eventually, but she was still unable to sound out words that she didn't have memorized. I talked to her teacher and asked if the school could possibly test for dyslexia. The teacher talked to the special education person at the school and then told me that they didn't have specific testing for dyslexia and that they thought she was doing well enough since she had memorized her sight words for the year.

In First Grade, her teacher talked to me about her concerns for Emily in reading and asked if it would be ok to place her in a special small group where children who struggled to read could get more one on one help with an adult. I said that would be great and asked the teacher if this new school we were in tested for dyslexia and she said no.


One reason I have kept wondering about Dyslexia is because it can run through heredity. My brother has it, my husband's brother has it, and my oldest son has it. I struggled for years trying to teach my oldest son to read and we would both end up frustrated and in tears. I kept asking the school to test him and they kept telling me they didn't think he had dyslexia or they didn't have the testing for it in the school. Every year he moved up a grade, he fell farther and farther behind in reading. When he turned 14, I finally had him seen by a Neuropsychologist who diagnosed him with High Functioning Autism, Dyslexia and learning disabilities in math and reading. He was able to get those diagnosis' added to his IEP (individual education plan) and finally get what he needed in school to help him progress in reading. It made me feel sad that he had to struggle so hard for so long when he could have had the specific help he needed to be successful many years earlier.

Fast forward to this year and my youngest child Marcus. I started working with him on reading in April and then had him read the BOB books to me all summer. He started Kindergarten this fall and they had to put him in First Grade for reading and Math everyday because he was bored in Kindergarten and already knew how to read when kids around him didn't even know letter sounds or names.

This shows me that it isn't how I teach my children that is the problem. I am capable of teaching a child to read. I just don't have the specific skills and know how to teach my children that struggle with reading. I worked with Emily all summer with the same books and I couldn't get her to even keep her eyes on the page long enough to finish a page. It usually ended in a lot of tears and frustration.

Emily started 2nd grade this fall. I talked with her regular Primary Care Doctor who agreed that she should be tested. We got a referral for her and she was evaluated by a Neuropsychologist who diagnosed her with Dyslexia and problems with her Active Working Memory. When I questioned the doctor about the memory aspect, I said, she has the ability to memorize her sight words so I am surprised about you saying she has memory problems. He said Active working memory is more of a short term memory. It means when she is sounding out the first part of a word and moves on to sound out the second part of the word, she has already forgotten the first part and can't remember it to blend the two sounds together. It also mean that she struggles with communication. She knows what she wants to say in her mind, but when she tries to say the words she can't get out one fluid sentence. There are a lot of pauses and words like "Um, well, uh." Or she will repeat the first part of the sentence over and over trying to get it all out in one fluid sentence only to get hung up over and over again. I also asked the doctor about possible ADD. He said she doesn't lack the ability to concentrate, he says she starts wiggling as soon as she is faced with having to read because she can't do it, and it makes her uncomfortable. "Look at her right now, she is sitting still just fine over at the table while you and I are talking." The doctor pointed out.

Once I had the diagnosis in hand, I went to the school to talk to them about Emily getting an IEP so she could get the help she needed in school. They said she may have a diagnosis, but that doesn't mean if affects her ability to function in school. We have to do our own testing so that we can get state funding. To even do the testing we have to hold a board meeting to decide IF we will do it. You can attend if you want, but you don't have to." I was told by the school psychologist. "Oh I will be there!" was my response. I have learned in the past that I am the best advocate for my child. Why would I not want to attend a meeting deciding if they would help her. 

The morning of the board meeting I went into a room with about 15 staff all seated around a table and it was just me there to speak on Emily's behalf. Her teacher was late. I had been praying to know what to say. To be able to express myself without being too emotional, while still putting forth all the evidence that my daughter did need to be tested and to have extra help. After I said everything I needed to say, her teacher came in and proceeded to say everything I had just said. I thanked her later for being late, because she acted a second witness for Emily, without even hearing the things I had said. The board agreed to do the testing. I was thrilled and felt my prayers had been answered! 

After about two months of waiting, they finally completed the testing and Emily now has an IEP. The Neuropsychologist had suggested a specific reading program to use and said that I should buy it. It was "only" $250.00 per lesson. When I told him I couldn't afford that he asked what school district we were in and when I told him, he said "Oh good, that school district has this reading program." I talked to the special education teacher and told her what the doctor said. She looked it up and she can order a copy of the program from the district office. She said that program looks like it would also be helpful for some of the other students in her classroom. 

Some people think that getting your child diagnosed it just slapping a label on them that will limit what they can do in their lives. I believe it is giving my children the tools and specific help that he or she needs to be successful and to progress in the best way possible for their needs. I am giving her the wings so she can learn how to fly.