Life is what happens when you are making other plans...

I was due with Baby #5 on December 15th. My mom and mother in law had flown in on the 7th of December to help me prep and to be here "just in case" I went into labor early, but since I had gone overdue with all of my previous pregnancies I was not expecting to go early on my own. Because the baby had been measuring big, and because my husband had to leave town on the 16th, one of the midwives at the base hospital that I had been seeing had scheduled me for an induction on the 12th. I had never been induced before and was nervous about having a harder, more painful labor, especially since I do my labor and deliveries naturally and they are already hard and painful enough without Pitocin. I prayed, telling Heavenly Father that he knew the time constraints we were facing with my husband leaving, and with how long my mom and mother in law could stay, I asked that he would bless me to go into labor on my own so that I wouldn't have to go through an induction. Guess what? He heard and answered my prayer.

On the 10th my mother in law and I were stocking up on groceries at Costco and the Commissary (the on base grocery store) and I noticed the more I walked, the more frequent my contractions became to the point that I had to slow down and breathe hard through them. The night before my contractions had definitely changed from Braxton Hicks to more of a painful or real feeling contractions, but then they had all stopped by morning so we went about getting done the last minute things that needed to be done. By 6 pm my contractions were still steady and were coming about 6 minutes apart. So I decided to skip dinner to save it from coming back up during labor. I took a shower, blow dried my hair, finished packing my hospital bag, and called my friend who was going to stay with the kids during my labor and delivery. I wasn't sure when to go to the hospital because the contractions felt pretty intense, but I didn't want to get to the hospital too early and be turned away because I wasn't dilated enough. I called over to the base hospital and was told that they were full up and were diverting all their patients to Providence Hospital in Anchorage. I had never been told to go to a different hospital and was disappointed that I wouldn't have any one of the midwives that I had been seeing throughout my pregnancy to deliver me, plus I had already pre-registered at the base hospital and would now have to labor and fill out stupid paperwork between my "hee hee hee woos". We loaded up about 9 pm and drove to the hospital and when we were almost there I got a text from my friend saying she was getting ready to put the kids to bed, but couldn't find Sam (my 8 year old) anywhere. We discovered he had stowed away in the very back of the van and ridden silently the whole way to the hospital, he had plans to go and see his baby brother be born. My husband dropped me and the moms off at the hospital and drove all the way back home to drop off Sam.

When he returned, they had put me into a triage room since all their L&D rooms were full. The nurse checked me on arrival and I was only a 2! She left and I labored on my birthing ball and when she came back an hour later I was dilated to a 4! It was interesting watching my husband deal with the labor process this time. In the past he has always been stressed and super angry at the doctor, the nurses and everyone else except me. I think watching me go through that pain is hard for him and the way he deals with it is to get angry. This time he came into the Triage room and was cracking jokes and rubbing my back and helping me through the contractions. It was such a nice change.

They started an IV and an hour later a room finally opened up and when they got me set up they checked me and I was at a 6. Things were progressing so quickly, my previous labors had lasted from 12 - 26 hours, so this was new for me. 3 out of my 4 previous labors I had, had a lot of back labor because of the baby's posterior position. This time all the pain was down low and in front, so I was hopeful he would be in the correct position. My contractions were also different, instead of a gradual climb, peak, and gradual decent, they went from 0 to 10 in intensity in about a second. So I had to adjust my breathing accordingly.

The doctor came in and broke my water not too long after I got settled in the L&D room. 

 My other support coaches...my mother in law and my mom. They have been there for all of my children's births.

At 2:30 I was feeling the urge to push instead of breathing through contractions and the nurse checked me and said I was at a 10. I started pushing and the doctor came in. Then she felt my cervix between a contraction and told me to stop, that I was only dilated to an 8. This can happen on a woman who has had multiple births. The cervix becomes "floppy" and during a contraction it can feel like it is farther dilated than it really is. But this was the worst thing ever to tell a woman who thinks she is almost done to stop and wait. Pushing becomes a relief after laboring and breathing through contractions because there comes a point where pushing feels better. 

Things got REALLY intense the next half hour. My contractions got to the point where they were coming every 45 seconds. I have had long hard labors, but my contractions have never been closer than 3 minutes apart and I felt like I was literally going to die. I couldn't get in enough breath before another contraction hit and then blowing all the air out my cheeks to try and combat the pain made it worse. I started saying "I can't breathe, I can't breathe!!" "Yes you can you are breathing!" came the response. "No I can't feel my fingers and hands!" I cried out. I kept trying to resist the urge to push and they kept telling me: 

"Don't push, don't push!"

I have done 4 natural labor and deliveries before this one. I had never once uttered the words I can't do this, I had never screamed or yelled, I had always stayed in control. This time I am embarrassed to say I could not maintain control. I started saying "I CAN'T DO THIS, I CAN'T DO THIS!!" My husband had laid down and started napping shortly before this because everything had been calm at that point. He woke up as I was starting to scream and rushed over to the bedside and took my hand. I said to my mother in law "tell them to knock me out and take this baby! I can't do this!" Then they said the best the could do was offer me an epidural and so the nurse called the anesthesiologist and he was clear across the hospital and wouldn't be there for several minutes. Finally they checked me again and I really was at a 10. 

I pushed for all I was worth. It felt so good to finally be allowed to push and not to have to breathe through another contraction. The anesthesiologist walked in as I was pushing and said "well I guess you don't need me anymore." Then he left the room. I felt the burning ring of fire and pushed through it. When baby's head came out I felt that relief and then the shoulders came...ouch more burning. Then he slipped the rest of the way out. It was 3:10 am and they laid him on my chest after pushing only 4 times, a record fast delivery for me. It helped that he was in the correct position instead of being posterior.

He weighed in at 8 lbs. 5 oz. and was 21.5 inches in length. We named him Marcus Kimball.

 I remember them saying he was kind of purple so they got him breathing better and put him back on my chest. He was rooting pretty much from the minute he was born and latched right on. He was a natural at nursing.

I grabbed hold of my husband's hand and said to him "Never again. We are done. D-O-N-E." I am surprised to have said that. I have always wondered how someone could know they were done bringing children into the world. I have worried about stopping before I had all the children I was suppose to have, but after this experience, I don't know that I could physically ever go through all of this again. The older I get, the harder it gets to be pregnant, to go through the morning sickness for first 4 months, to have the horrible pains that come from a stomach with muscles so separated from so many pregnancies that my stomach literally feels like it is burning trying to hold the baby in, to feel exhausted all the time and to go through the uncomforts and pains of pregnancy the last 2 months and now to have such an intense hard labor to finish it up with. And as sweet as my newborn is, I don't think I can do it again.

First bath. I remember thinking he is the most red/pink baby I have ever had. Such good coloring.

We slept a bit after the birth and later in the afternoon my husband brought our other 4 children to the hospital to meet their new baby brother. They are all in awe of him and are so sweet to him.

 

 Emily loves babies, so I expected she would do really well with her new brother. I didn't expect that she would be so possessive of him though. No one else, besides mommy, was allowed to hold him or take pictures of him she kept saying "No, my baby brubber!"

 Dano decided he wanted to be a doctor and check out the baby. Emily was happy to help.

 Josh and Sam were very excited to finally meet Marcus. They said "Do you remember hearing my voice when you were in mom's tummy? It's me I am your brother." They are such good big brothers.

 Our whole family. Pure happiness.

For the moment.

That night in the middle of the night they did the newborn screening for jaundice and the pku test. His levels came back elevated to the point where they were concerned. The next morning the pediatrician came in and explained that my blood type and baby's blood type were different, not the RH factor, but that my blood had antibodies against his blood and that in the birth process when the placenta detaches from the uterine wall, before the umbilical cord is cut, that my blood and the baby's blood mixed and this was creating a problem. His liver was struggling to function well with my antibodies in his system. Solution for him to receive phototherapy. A tanning bed of sorts that he would have to be in for 24 hours that would help break up the billirubin so he could get better. He would have to wear soft sunglasses to protect his eyes and I wouldn't be allowed to take him out except to feed him and change him. So I savored those moments when I could hold him.

He HATED that bed. He was naked except for a diaper and he didn't like the sunglasses or that fact that he was all alone and kept scaring himself when he moved his arms and legs. So he would cry and I would cry. They tested him the next day and his levels had gone up again. He wasn't peeing or pooping because he was too sleepy to eat well and my milk  hadn't come in because I was so stressed. The next morning another pediatrician came in and made him a "nest" this really helped him to feel more secure and as the jaundice got worse he became even sleepier and didn't mind his bed so much.

On day 2 of our hospital stay, our only mode of transportation, our van, stopped working so my husband and kids couldn't come visit. I had never been away from the youngest Emily for longer than one night and I was aching to see all of my children and my husband. I also realized that I couldn't find the standby ticket codes that I had gotten for my mom and mother in law to fly home and knew we couldn't afford to buy new tickets for them. My husband's go out of town date was fast approaching and baby and I were still in the hospital as his levels just continued to rise despite the phototherapy. They told me the next step was for him to go into the NICU if he didn't make a dramatic improvement. I think I cried off and on for 3 days straight. On the night of day 4 he finally started pooping which is the best way for him to clear the billi out of his system. On the morning of day 5 they came in and tested his billi levels and they had dropped by 2 points. Every day older a baby gets, the better their liver functions, so even though it wasn't as low as they had originally wanted it to be, the pediatrician said she was comfortable with letting us go home. 

I felt like we were being released from prison! My husband had already left to go out of town early that morning and called to tell me that the car place had finished working on our car and it was ready to be picked up. So I had a friend pick me up at the hospital and drop me off at the car place. Baby and I got the car and drove home. The next day we went back to the hospital to have his billi levels checked and they had gone up by 4 points! So we had to go back the next day and have him rechecked and they had come down by 5 decimals so they said we were ok to just wait till he had his 2 week check up to have him checked again. I was able to find the ticket codes for my moms to fly home once I got home, and my husband returned home 3 days after I came home from the hospital. It has been a crazy, stressful experience that didn't go at all like I thought it would, but I do feel like the timing of Marcus' birth was an answer to prayer. My husband was able to be home with our kids until the day I came home. We have been so blessed to have my mom and mother in law here to help with the kids when I was in the hospital and especially now that I am home and  haven't been sleeping well at night, it is nice to be able to take a nap during the day. Now on to the adjustments that will come with a new little one at home and getting back to life as we know it.

Learning Forgiveness Again...

There have been several times in my life when I have needed to forgive, sometimes it has been a stranger, sometimes it has been someone very close to me. There have also been many times in my life I have needed forgiveness and have needed to say I was sorry for things that I have done wrong. We are all human and we make mistakes. It goes both ways.

Very recently, my Husband and I were impacted very negatively by another person's choice, someone we trusted and even considered a friend. This has put a lot of strain on us and has caused us to face a trial we were not expecting. The first couple of days, I felt consumed by feelings of anger, betrayal. I kept asking why this person would do this to us? It was eating me up inside.

Then I turned to God in prayer and remembered the words of the Savior when he said: "What manner of men ought ye to be? Verily I say unto you, even as I am." Well who was he?

He went about his life doing good to others. Healing them, blessing them, and raising them mortally and spiritually. 

He in no way deserved the many times He was treated unkindly, unfairly, and even cruelly. Yet, He didn't let it change how he treated others and how he served them.

He was betrayed by one of his closest friends/apostles, which betrayal led to his Crucifixion. Yet, he still reached out with love to that individual and forgave him.

He pleaded with the Father while upon the cross to forgive those who had just beaten him, humiliated him, hurt him, and nailed him to the cross.

I cannot begin to imagine all that He suffered. I know that in this life, the things that I suffer and pass through are nothing compared to His sufferings. But I know that I can look to His example and I can make the choice to forgive. When we don't forgive others it doesn't hurt them the way that it hurts us. It cankers our souls. It is like adding a ball and chain to our own legs each time, making it harder and harder to move forward with our lives and progress spiritually. This doesn't mean that we allow ourselves to be abused or hurt by those people over and over, there are times when it is absolutely necessary to distance ourselves from that person for our own safety or sanity. There may be situations where we never receive an apology, but we can still choose to turn it over to the Lord and say for ourselves I will forgive this person. Then we go about our lives trying to do better each day, trying to serve, to uplift, and to help others. If we are willing to do this, I believe that when we need forgiveness from others, and from God, He will be more willing to grant it, if we are willing to forgive others and follow the perfect example of His Son.

Daniel's Diagnosis:

Last Thursday, Daniel was finally seen and evaluated by a neuro-psychologist after 6 months of being on the wait list. Yesterday, I went in for the Parent-Feedback appointment to find out what the doctor had to say. So here I am in the middle of the night, up writing instead of sleeping because my head is swimming with different thoughts, and after 2 hours of insomnia I decided I had better get up and get it out of my head and down on paper so I can relax and go back to sleep. To preface this blog entry if you haven't already read my last entry entitled "My piece of Humble Pie" you might want to so this will make more sense.

Daniel was diagnosed with Autism yesterday. He also has sensory integration issues, fine motor delays, hyperactivity (not ADHD yet), he is too young to properly diagnose that one. The hyperactivity "aggravates" his other symptoms often leaving him more frustrated and angry. He has "spacial issues". During the testing he wasn't able to close his eyes and remain standing upright. The doctor said it is like he is not aware of where is body is in relationship to the things around him if he can't see them. Which would explain why he has absolutely no understanding of other people's "personal space." He has social issues and does not pick up on things like social or facial clues, or other people's body language. He is excited when any adult gives him attention or wants to play with them, but doesn't understand that he can't climb all over them and invade their personal space. Apparently with other children like Daniel they latch on to their Primary caregiver (being me in this case) and look to that person to help them with everything including telling them how they should feel, or what to think. Which is probably why Daniel is stuck to me like glue. He is with me all day everyday, my little shadow, and he wants me to help him with or do everything for him. This makes it extremely difficult when I have to go somewhere that he cannot be, because he relies so heavily on me to help him function in his day to day life. This is probably why I am "not allowed" to do things like take a nap. Even with my husband home on the weekends if Daniel finds out I am napping he will pound on my door and cry "Mommy! Let me in!" Yet when Daddy naps or is sleeping in the morning he has no qualms with leaving him alone. So I have taken to laying down on the couch and drifting in and out while Emily naps and Daniel watches a movie so I can get some rest. Being pregnant with #5 I feel like sleep is always something I am in need of.

The positive things that we discovered because of this testing was that we now know he has a good I.Q. The average for children his age is 100. He has an I.Q. of 103. He also has a great memory. This is one thing he has gotten from me. Especially during my years in school memorization came easily for me and helped me not only in learning, but in testing. So because of his cognitive abilities, and the fact that he can speak, he has been put in the category of "High Functioning Autism."

What does all of this mean?

My very first exposure to "Autism" was when I was a teenager and I was asked to babysit a large family for an afternoon. One of their daughters was Autistic. She literally sat in a corner or her room, on the floor, rocking back and forth, muttering to herself. She didn't talk to anyone, she didn't look at anyone. She was severely Autistic. It seems Autism has become a diagnosis we hear all the time these days. It is a broad spectrum including so many different types. It is definitely not a "one size fits all." One thing that is so wonderful about more and more people knowing about this diagnosis is that the help and services offered to these children has come so far. I am grateful that he was diagnosed at age 4 and that he will be able to qualify now for services that will help him become a more successful individual and will help him with the struggles he will face.

"I wanna fix it!"

As a parent, if one of my children gets sick or has a medical issue I want to take them to the doctor and get the treatment or the medicine I need to help them become whole and healthy again. It is hard knowing that there is nothing I could have done differently to change him having Autism. It is also hard knowing that he will deal with this for the rest of his life and there is nothing I can give him or do for him that will "cure" it or take it away. The only thing I can do is give him the tools he needs to be as successful as he is able to be.

God gives us "weakness" to make us humble.

As a family we have been reading a book of scripture called "The Book of Mormon - another testament of Jesus Christ". In one of the books it is talking about an olden day prophet named Either. In it he prays to the Lord knowing that he is suppose to write scriptures and revelations that he receives from God for future generations to read, but he doesn't feel confident in his ability to write well and is concerned that future generations will "make fun of his weakness in writing." The Lord's response to him is "fools mock and they shall mourn; and my grace is sufficient for the meek." He continues on to respond by saying: "If men come unto me I will show them their weakness, I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; for if they will humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then I will make weak things become strong unto them." I cried when I read this. I felt like it was exactly what I needed to hear. The Lord knows Daniel just as he knows each one of us individually. He knows the things we struggle with, he knows our weaknesses and our strengths and he allows us to go through trials to make us into the people we are suppose to be and fulfill everything he requires of each of us. Now is the time to trust him, to trust his plan and to have faith that things will work out even if I can't fix it and I can't know the outcome right now. 

The Plan.

I am choosing not to define Daniel as ONLY my "Autistic child", I am choosing to define Daniel as my son, to keep loving him as I always have, to celebrate the things he CAN do, the successes he has and will have, and to help him in anyway I can to keep moving forward.

MY PIECE OF HUMBLE PIE: 

Daniel is my 3rd child and 3rd boy. Before he was born I was of the opinion that one type of parenting would work for all of my children because it had worked so well with my first two children. When I was pregnant with Daniel I was visiting my sister and her son was throwing a tantrum in the car and she looked at me in frustration and said: "what do you do when your children throw tantrums?" I said in all seriousness, "I don't know. My children don't throw tantrums." Which at the time was completely true, Josh and Sam did not. Looking back at that comment I laugh because I got served a big fat helping of humble pie...Daniel throws tantrums that could put any two year old's tantrums to shame (he will be 4 this month and they have not stopped.) It has been said that you either marry your biggest trial or give birth to it, in this case it is the latter of the two. He has taught me that one type of parenting does NOT fit all children and just because something worked with one child does NOT mean it will work with another. He has taken my confidence as a mother and shaken it to the very core.

MILESTONES:

Daniel was born with a complete knot in his cord. When he was born the doctor and nurses said "Do you see this? This is what we call a miracle, he should not have been able to survive with this tight of a knot in his cord." I have often thought back on that and wondered if it effected his brain development in the womb, having less oxygen and nutrients than my other babies. He was born the smallest of my babies at 7 lbs. 14 oz. but definitely made up for it once he was out of the womb. He became my biggest and fattest at all his well child exams. He is in the middle of the picture below...look at that cute chub!

As time went on he started falling farther behind in his milestones. Recently his pediatrician had enough concerns that she wanted me to have him see a neuropsychologist to see if he is on the autism spectrum. The wait time is about 6 months, so we have an apt in Sept. In the category of gross motor, his ability to walk, climb, jump, and run are right where they need to be that is his one strong suites. I am fairly certain he could outrun any Olympic runner, which he tries to do on a weekly if not daily basis. It is not uncommon for him to escape from the house, or yard, or car and to see me or my husband running after him to try and catch him.

"DANIEL-ISMS"

You might want to plug your ears when Daniel gets excited. He yells at the top of his lungs while jumping up and down and flapping his hands on the side of his head. Changes...he hates them, every single one. "It is time to get on your day clothes and change from your pajamas." NOOOOOO! Tantrum ensues. At the end of the day it is the same reaction when it is time to change from his day clothes to pajamas. It is time for bed, it is time to eat, it is time to leave the park, leave the house, to go church, every change is met with opposition and a fight. 

JUNE 1ST:

Daniel started speaking around 2 and at this age he is speaking in sentences and is understandable (when he will use his words.) On Saturday, June 1st, he went to the park with his brothers and daddy and two hours later he came back and had lost his ability to speak clearly. Everything that came out of his mouth was babble and stuttered. He had never stuttered, even when learning to speak. My husband said nothing significant had happened at the park, no trauma, he hadn't hit his head or anything. He also went from being almost completely potty trained to pooping his pants daily. I called and tried to make an apt but was told I couldn't get in to see his pediatrician until the 28th. This went on for 6 days until I finally called again and was put through to the nurse who told me to take him to the ER. The hospital on base told me they didn't have the resources like a MRI or a neurologist to be able to help diagnose what could be happening and asked me to speak with his pediatrician the next day. The next morning she called me and told me to take him off base to  a civilian hospital that would be able to help. Again we went to the ER and were there from 10 am -7 pm. They admitted him to the Peds floor of the hospital overnight with the intent of doing a bunch of procedures next day that would require him to be sedated because of his age and inability to hold still during the procedures. They needed to see inside his brain to make sure he had not had a stroke, a seizure, or some kind of virus that would have effected his speech and bowel control.

JUNE 8TH:

Procedures started at 6 am, they did an MRI, a spinal tap, blood work, and an EEG. He had a hard time waking up from sedation, but he did very well otherwise. When he woke up he was starting to talk and for the first time in a week his speech was clear and understandable again. The main tests came back clear. The neurologist spoke with me and said he was thinking more and more that Daniel is on the Autism spectrum and that perhaps this episode was more related to that and not to an actual physical problem. He also said that many times with children that have Autism if they loose their speech this quickly and dramatically they don't ever get it back. I felt very blessed that his did come back on it's own. The doctors that worked with Daniel and I feel relieved to know there was nothing physically wrong with him and if we had not done those tests we would not have been sure of that. 

SIDE EFFECTS:

Daniel complained of back pain when he woke up and did not want to get out of bed. The doctors said they had to take a lot of fluid out when they were doing the spinal tap and they had tried to combat that with giving him extra IV fluids, but it was possible that he might develop a spinal headache. He came home Saturday night and cried and complained of more back pain any time he would sit for very long or had to get up from sitting. We gave him IB profen and had him lay flat on an ice pack. On Sunday he wasn't up for going to church and so my husband stayed home with him. Sunday evening he kept crying and saying "something is wrong with me, there is something in my head." We suspected he had developed the spinal headache. The next morning he started throwing up and just laid on the floor in his only comfortable position (out flat on his tummy). All day he slept and threw up. It got to the point that nothing was coming up except bile and he hadn't been able to urinate for 8 hours. After talking to the nurse advice line I was instructed to take him back to the ER. Last night we went to the ER and they said he was dehydrated and gave him IV fluids, strong pain medicine, and anti-nausea medication in his IV. For the first time in days he smiled and talked with me happily. He still did not want to get up, but he sure felt better after the medication. Once they got him stabilized they sent us home. Today he is STILL just laying around complaining of back pain and head pain, but he is not throwing up. I feel so sad for my boy. 

THE PLAN:

He was evaluated for early intervention pre-school with the school district last week and had to score at least a 70 to be considered. He scored a 155. So he will go back for the testing in August and we will have the Neuropsych evaluation in September. Hoping we will get the tools we need for him to be successful and the information I need for me to know how to best help my little guy. For those of you who have known about all of this, I have appreciated your prayers and support in his behalf. Thank you. 

Going Back to the Beginning: Joshua's Birth Story

Growing up, I had always been excited about my future family. Watching all the Walt Disney Fairy Tales of the princess finding her prince charming and living happily ever after. So step one, find prince charming...done. Once we were married, the immediate next step in my mind was, it is time to have a baby! I didn't really plan ahead and think of things like: my husband has not been to college yet. I work at Fred Meyer as a cashier and he works in a steel factory and we both make minimum wage. I was caught up in the wonder of having a baby. So when we found out we were pregnant 3 months after we got married, I was ecstatic and my husband was panicking big time. He said: "I don't have a career, I don't have a degree, we can't live off my income alone and I don't want you to work once we have children." We started looking at options and my husband said he had always wanted to join the military. I was not pleased with the idea, knowing the war that was brewing in the middle east and the recent events of 9-11, but I figured if I say no he could come back to me years later and say "What if it had been great? Why didn't you ever let me fulfill my dream?" So I let him make the decision with the idea that if he loved it, it was his fault and if he hated it, it was his fault. It also had good starting pay and good medical benefits, so with a very heavy heart I said goodbye to my husband as he left for basic training, I was 8 months pregnant at the time.

My due date came and I prepared to welcome my son into the world. Unfortunately he didn't get the memo that he was due and decided he was happy to stay in a little longer. 

6 days after my due date I started having regular contractions, 5 minutes apart (which is when they say to come to the hospital). Well I marched into the hospital at about 6 pm, expecting to be admitted right away. Ha ha ha. I laid there and they monitored me for a couple of hours and decided I wasn't dilated to a 4 yet, so they sent me home. About 10 pm, my contractions started getting closer together...3 minutes apart. They were super painful. Again, I went to the hospital. They monitored me and once again sent me home saying I could come back in the morning for a "non-stress test" and depending on the results I could possibly be induced. When I planned for my birth I had the idea that I would have an epidural, that is what my sisters did, that is what my mom did. That way I wouldn't have to feel any of the really hard contractions, I planned for the hospital to manage my pain. I hadn't prepared for any other senario, so when I was sent home I was completely unsure how to deal with the pain. The contractions went on all night long and they were 3 minutes apart the whole time, the pain was so intense that I threw up several times and cried through most of the night. We went in at 11 am and they measured me and found that I was finally at a 4! So they admitted me. 

I got situated and they gave me my epidural....ahhhh about 20 minutes of no pain, it was great. Then I started noticing that the pain was coming back, but only on my left side. I asked the nurse about it and they tried upping the dose, when that didn't work. Then they tried repositioning the needle, that didn't work either. Eventually they decided that I must have a membrane separating the two sides of my spine and that there was nothing they could do to take the pain away. Thank goodness I had support....

My 2 sisters and 1 of my good friends were there, applying chapstick when my lips were so chapped, getting me ice chips, and giving me moral support. My mom was there to rub my feet, put wash cloths on my face. Most importantly, my mother in law was also there. She had all 6 of her children naturally and SHE knew how to handle the pain. I was crying and closing my eyes caving into the endless pain and she took my head in her hands and turned me towards her "Look at me, breathe with me." she coaxed..."hee hee wooo." I watched her and did what she did. I was so grateful for a room full of women who had experienced labor and who were there to support me.

The hours of my labor, continued on what seemed to be endlessly. There were periods of time that I would shake uncontrollably because of pain, moments that I was so exhausted from contracting for so many hours that I felt I couldn't go on. The nurses kept coming in and asking me to turn on my side, now this side, now try squatting, now put your leg in the air, now stand on your head (no not really the last one, but it felt like it). I couldn't figure out why. Now I understand it is because they were trying to get my baby to turn. I didn't know that Josh was posterior. Meaning his face was facing upwards instead of down so even though I was having hard contractions every 3 minutes, they weren't dilating me the way they should be because his head wasn't pressing against my cervix properly. After about 20 hours of laboring, I started developing an infection. They cranked up the pitocin hoping to move things along. There came a point where I could not breathe through the contractions any longer, it felt better to push and so it began...

I remember the different women in the room commenting about how long they had pushed with their babies saying "It shouldn't be long now and you will be done, maybe 45 minutes tops!" I would push and push and because of his position he just wasn't coming out. Going back and watching the birth video even 10 years later now makes me cry. I had no idea how long my labor would be or how physically taxing it would be. Had I known, at the time, I think I would have given up. Thank goodness I didn't know, thank goodness I had hope that it was just a little bit longer. I pushed with every contraction for 3 1/2 hours. I would completely fall asleep for 1-2 minutes between contractions and wake up ready to push. The staff said they couldn't believe I was still going, that most women would have given up and opted for a C-section. I was so swollen from pushing that they had to do an episiotomy (which I DID NOT want) to finally create enough space for him to come out.  

And then he was here. They laid his little body across my stomach and every agonizing moment of the last 26 hours were made worth it as I stared into the eyes of my perfect little son. 

He made up for his hard labor by being such a joy as a baby. He and I spent the first 6 months of his life by ourselves while my husband finished his Army school and then was sent away on training. He slept through the night at 2 months and I loved every stage of his babyhood. My fairy tale had come true, just not the way I had planned for or expected. But in a way that made me a stronger, and better person.