A Leap of Faith

Sometimes our choices in life seem easy to make. They may be choices that have little or no consequence in the broad scheme of things. For instance, deciding which road to take home from the store, what to make for dinner, or what clothes to put on for the day.

 

Sometimes in life the path ahead is dark and the way uncertain. We don't know what plan is the best for us and if we take that step into the dark what consequences for good or bad it will have. In those instances, we may pray or read our scriptures more in search of an answer and ultimately we have to trust that we are in God's hands and so we put our trust in Him and take a leap of faith.

My husband and I have been in a state of uncertainty for about 7 months now. As I had posted in an earlier post "Remember when it Rained" we found out that after 13 years of service in the Army, my husband was being told he had to get out within two months. We had always planned on retiring from the military and we had sacrificed for years to achieve that goal.

Two weeks before we were going to be kicked out with nothing to show for it, no insurance, no retirement, and no job, my husband had an appointment with an ortho doc who said, "I have been looking at your MRI images on your knee...Have you ever considered Medically Retiring?" YES! He had been begging his command to let him medically retire, but they had all told him no. Now he was being allowed extend for a year to give him enough time to start and complete the medical retirement process. In the mean time, our pay and benefits continued. We were so relieved, now we would have a way to continue providing for our family of seven. It was also a relief to know that we would have continued insurance for our 3rd son who has Autism and has in home therapy 5 days a week.

About 10 days ago we got word that the Army and VA had decided his percentages. With anticipation we went down to meet with my husband's case manager and she laid out the paperwork and explained the decisions. The VA looks at everything that is wrong head to toe and they decide their percentages based on that. Because my husband has been blown up twice on deployments and has been in the Army for so many years, his body has taken a beating. They assessed everything and gave him a rating of 100%. This means that the VA will give him a check monthly for the rest of his life to compensate for all of his injuries. It will be more than his base pay, but less than we make now, because we won't have all the extras added to it (housing, food allowances, insurance etc.) It also means he will receive medical care for the rest of his life. Another benefit is that we will pay little or no property tax on a house (depending on the state we live in), it also means that as the spouse I qualify for free college education and so do all 5 of our children! That is HUGE! He also qualifies for free education though the GI Bill and because he joined after 9-11 we qualify for our housing to be paid while he is in school! That my friends is the great news in all of this.

Now for the bad news. The Army doesn't look at what is wrong with him head to toe. They look at what conditions prevent him from doing his job. So even though there is a lot wrong with him, they only said that his knee was preventing him from doing his job and they rated that as 10%. To medically retire you have to have at least 30%. That means, no retirement, no insurance, no pay check from the Army. He is just being "medically severed" from the Army instead. The good news is, because his knee is combat related we get a one time severance check that is non-taxable and does not have to be paid back.

We had the right to accept these terms or to fight them. The case manager said if we fight them, we could get more or we could get less. That the people in charge at the hearing would do everything they could to trick him, to make it seem like he wasn't broken or that he didn't deserve what they were offering. She told us we had a week to decide to accept or to fight it.

We left there feeling dumb founded. On the one hand the VA was offering us everything we had hoped for. On the other hand the Army was not offering us anything we had expected. Now we had to make a decision. I could not wrap my head around not having insurance. We have had full coverage insurance since I had our first baby. We have no premiums, no co-pays, no deductables. It has all been covered 100%. Now we were facing having to not only find insurance elsewhere, but also having to accept that it wasn't going to be paid for the same way, so we would have to make more money to make up for the money we would be putting out just to have it. If we fought it, we could gamble loosing the very large severance check they would be giving us.

Call me crazy, but I sat and pondered for a long time and within the first day, I felt that we should accept what they were offering us and not fight it. For my husband, he was not convinced. We continued to pray about it and the night before we had to make the decision my husband was able to get a priesthood blessing. In the blessing the very first thing that was said was, counsel with your wife. In that moment, I had the thought "what have I been feeling and telling him all along?" In that same moment, my husband had the same thought. In the blessing we were also told that the decision wouldn't be made clear to us until after we had taken that leap of faith and made our decision. Before that our judgement would be cloudy and we would feel confused. We discussed our feelings and thoughts after the blessing was over. The next day he went in to his case manager and we still weren't 100% sure which decision we would make. He stepped outside and we prayed together over the phone. As I prayed I started to cry as I said "Heavenly Father you know the needs of our family. Please help us to make the right decision." After the prayer he walked back into the case manager's office and accepted the offer.

We now have 90 days left until he is out of the Army for good. Now we have a timeline, he can look for other jobs. We also were successful in selling our house, so we are not tied to this area if a job or schooling takes us elsewhere. The Army is pretty much all we have ever known during our married life. It is scary to leave the path we know, the path we have become accustomed to, but it is also exciting to see where our path will lead now. Hopefully it leads to more years of being together and less of being apart. Being able to see our dreams fulfilled and being able to raise our children together. Even though we can't see the path ahead, God can. We have faith and trust that He will be there to continue to guide us with the big decisions in our life.

Scars

I have been thinking a lot about scars and healing lately. It is no surprise that this has been on my mind. I had shoulder surgery on August 9th. This was not an easy decision for me, but since my last baby was born 2 1/2 years ago, I have been in constant pain and had limited range of motion. I had tried physical therapy, lots of ib profen, and cortisone shots to help combat the pain. After having an allergic reaction to the last cortisone shot, the Orthopedic doctor told me I had exhausted all of my options and it was time to talk to the surgeon.

I saw the first orthopedic surgeon and she discussed the findings of my MRI with me and said it was going to be a very extensive surgery that would require me to wear a sling for 6 weeks afterwards. It would also require me to not lift anything with that arm for 3 months and told me in total it would take a full six months to recover. With tears in my eyes, I told her I had 5 kids ranging in age from 13 to 2 1/2. I didn't know how I could possibly take care of my family and home with those restrictions. She wanted me to have a second opinion and when the second surgeon came in he agreed with all that she has said and said even more was required to fix the problems in my shoulder. They both looked at me with compassion and told me to go home and discuss it with my husband and let them know if I decided to go ahead with the surgery.

My wonderful mother was coming to the end of her lease with my sister in Washington state and agreed to come down and move in with us while I recovered and my husband arranged to take some time off work. With a prayer in my heart I went into surgery.

Once the surgeon got in to the shoulder he said it looked worse than he expected. I had calcific tendonitis which means calcium deposits had formed inside the tendon that connects the clavicle bone to the ball of my shoulder. First they probe with a needle to see if they are in the right area before they start cutting.

As he poked the needle in and pulled it out, it was full of calcium. (The white stuff inside the needle.)

He also said tendons are supposed to be a nice white color, mine was all red and raw looking. (The picture above with all the red spots is the tendon.)

Above: This is looking into the tendon like looking in the end of a straw. The inside of the tendon was completely full of yellow calcium.

Above: Looking down at the ball of the shoulder once all the calcium and bad part of the tendon were removed. I basically was left with a huge hole in my rotator cuff after all was cleaned away.

Then the surgeon made 4 holes in my shoulder bone to put anchors with threads into the bone so he could stretch the good part of the tendon over and sew it down.

Above: Tendon all sewn down and anchored into the ball of my shoulder.

 

The other problem I had was in the area where the bicep muscle attaches to the bone. It was fraying, (the little thread like things coming off the top), there is also a red area above where he could see the irritation. So he had to cut the muscle where it was attached and reattach it to the bone, farther down on my arm.

One blessing is that in this day and age all this was done laproscopically so on the outside I only have 4 small holes and one 1 1/2 inch cut near my armpit and into my armpit. It looks mild on the outside.

As soon as I woke up from surgery, I immediately threw up. The pain was so intense that it made me sick to my stomach. I laid there sleeping and in the moments I was awake tears would stream down my face as I tried to breath through the pain.

For three days after surgery, I had been throwing up anytime I would try to eat, drink, or take my pain meds, so the surgeon admitted me to the hospital for iv fluids (a banana pack with vitamins and minerals) and iv pain meds. I was there for 4 days. The first 3 weeks, I struggled with digestion, with throwing up, and with pain. I would try to sleep and would have nightmares that I was lifting things that were too heavy, or lifting my arms above my head and would wake up in horrible pain having muscle spasms that would send my arm shooting up. It has been a rough recovery to say the least. I started physical therapy the same week I had surgery and I am making slow, steady progress with the goal of being able to raise my arm to a 90 degree angle to the front and to the side by 6 weeks out from surgery.

This has been a very humbling experience for me. I don't like not being able to take care of my children or home, or even to care for myself without help. Throughout my adult life, I have learned to be an independent person. I have overcome many trials, and challenges. I have faced each one and gotten through them with determination. I have been blessed several times with the love and support of family members and friends. There have been times that I haven't been able to do it on my own and have cried out in prayer for God to help me through it. I have been strengthened, comforted, and have been able to get through each one. This time the lesson is that I have to allow others to do things for me, which goes against everything I have become, but at this point I don't have a choice otherwise. It has also been a blessing, instead of being distracted by the regular household chores and other things that kept me busy, I get to just spend time snuggling, reading, watching movies, and talking with my kids and husband.

Above: Husband with his new sleep apnea mask and me in my sling. This is what true love looks like...when you are all broken, but you still love the other person just the same as you did when you were young and unbroken.

 A couple weeks out from surgery, I was reading a book called "A Dogs Life" to my boys before bed one night.

 It is a sweet and also sad book of a stray dog and all that she has to go through in her life, just to survive. She suffers scars from unkind humans who mistreat her. She looses her mother, her brother, her only friend. At one point in the story she and her friend are hit by a car and taken to a vet. The book says: "Dr Roth laid her hand on my head and said "she has led a pretty hard life, she has been on her own for a long time, lots of scars, she's been in a few scrapes. There is nothing seriously wrong with her, if her leg heals, she'll be just fine." The dog talks about how gentle Dr Roth's hands were as she took care of her.

I know it sounds a little stupid, but after all I had been through I couldn't help but cry when I read this chapter to my kids. Here is this poor dog who had been through so much and her body showed the proof of that through her scars. But in that moment in the vet's office she could breath easy, she was going to be taken care of, she could just rest and recover.

My body reveals the scars of my past as well. I have physical scars from biking accidents, from childbirth, from various surgeries. I also have emotional scars from things that have happened in my past. Yet all of these scars have made me who I am today they witness that I have struggled, but also that I have survived.

A couple of days after reading that chapter in "A Dogs Life," I was reading 3 Nephi 17:7 Jesus said: "Have you any sick among you? Bring them hither. Have ye any that are lame, or blind, halt, or maimed, or leprous, or that are withered, or that are deaf, or that are afflicted in any manner? Bring them hither and I will heal them, for I have compassion upon you; my bowels are filled with mercy."

Again cue the tears...here was a witness of a way to be healed. Through the Savior. He knows the trials we face, he knows the scars on our hearts and our bodies. He wants to heal each of us. He wanted to know how to comfort us that is why he took upon himself all the pains and sicknesses of the world, so that he would have empathy for each of us. We have to be willing to come unto him, to trust him, and allow ourselves to be healed. He has healed me in the past and I know that he will heal me this time. There are lessons I am learning and will continue to learn through this trial. It may be slow, but healing will come in time.

Remember When It Rained

As I child I used to love a good storm. Watching and listening to the rain as it beat down upon our house, seeing the lightening strike and counting the seconds until the thunder boomed. Strangely enough, some of my fondest memories are of the power going out during a storm. Lighting a fire in the fireplace and gathering in the peace of the silent room and talking or signing songs together. In those times, even with the storms raging outside, I felt peace and security in the walls of our home. I knew everything would be alright.

"Remember When it Rained? I Touched the Ground and 

Looked up High and Called your name. "

Right now, my husband and I are in a storm that has literally brought us to our knees. The dark cloud rolled in and blocked out the sun, we couldn't see the steps ahead, and we were left at a loss as to what to do. Gratefully, I am teaching Gospel Doctrine at our church and the lesson I had been preparing this week, really struck me. In the Book of Mormon in 2 Nephi 14:6 it says: "And there shall be a tabernacle for a shadow in the daytime from the heat, and a place of refuge, and a covert from storm and from rain." I had felt caught up in this storm and needed a place of refuge. My first thought was that I wanted to seek refuge by going to the Mormon temple. I yearned to go there, but it is two hours to drive there and two hours to drive back and a two hour session. We had made prior commitments that made it hard to get away that day. So I called a friend and told her what was going on. She said her husband could come over and give Don and me a Priesthood blessing that night.

As he laid his hands on my head that evening, another scripture came clearly to my mind. 2 Nephi 8:16 "And I have put my words in thy mouth, and I have covered thee in the shadow of mine hand, that I may plant the heavens and lay the foundations of the earth, and say unto Zion: Behold, thou art my people." The words the Lord wanted Don and me to hear were being spoken through my friend's husband. And his hands were the shadow of the Lord's hand covering us and giving us protection from the storm. Since that blessing, I have felt the presence of the Lord stronger than I have felt in a long time. Thoughts have come to my mind and made things clear to me that weren't before. I feel a peace even in this uncertain time.

"Tears of Hope Stream Down my Skin, Tears for you that 

Will Not Die. They Magnify the One Within."

So maybe at this point you are saying "alright already, tell us what your storm is!" Before I do, let me preface it with this, my Husband joined the Army 13 years ago. Once we had been in a certain number of years, we decided that we had sacrificed so much for the military that we might as well finish out Don's 20 years and then retire and have money to live off of while we went and figured out what else he wanted to do for a career. We have been blessed with great insurance that has allowed us to have all of our babies for free, to seek medical advice, to have surgeries, and to take our children to the hospital when ever needed without having to pay anything out of pocket. We also have children with special needs and one of our children has a therapy called ABA therapy that costs $36,000 a year and we only pay $25 a month for it. I have been blessed to stay home with my children because we have always lived within our means and have made ends meet. For these reasons we felt our plan of staying in the Military for 20 years made total sense. (Don is second from the right on the top row.)

Well two days ago, my husband called from work and told me that we only had two months left in the military till we had to get out. He was told last June that if he did not get promoted to E6 by March 2017 that he would have to get out. He started thinking about his reenlistment date and thinking that date would be the most accurate of when he would need to get out, because that is when his contract was up. A few weeks ago, I kept asking if he could look up in his paperwork when he had reenlisted, but between being in the field and long hours at work, he had been too busy to check.Wednesday of last week I decided to go through some boxes and found the reenlistment award and it said May 21, 2014. Meaning he had till May 21, 2016 in the Army. I panicked and called him and he said it was fine, he would talk to his Retention NCO and they would just let him extend till the March 2017 date. So when he finally got enough time to leave work and go talk to this guy he was told, "Sorry, if you would have come and talked to me a week ago, I could have extended you, but now it is too late." He talked to his commander and she said to talk to me and decide what options we had. We worked out something with his commander, that if Don can pass his PT test on Monday and go to the Promotion Board on Tuesday and pass it, then they might see about letting him extend. We didn't know that this board was happening till this last Friday. Yikes! He has been studying since Friday hoping that we can pass this. If not, we get out in May.

I have said it many times, "Life is what happens when you are making other plans." This rings so true in this situation. I also feel that on our straight path and stumbling block was put before us, a crossroads of sorts, where we had to stop and evaluate which path we were going to take. In the blessing Don got the other night he was told, "Sometimes the Lord allows you to go down a path so far only to realize that the path dead ends. But his reasoning behind that is to let you know that when you take the other path that you are on the right path, and you won't second guess yourself." So, we are going to shoot for him passing the PT test tomorrow and his Promotion Board on Tuesday, we feel like if it is the will of the Lord, he will be successful. If it is not, the Lord has another plan for us. It is a scary thought, to realize that in two months we could be jobless, without insurance, without a way to pay our mortgage or bills. To also think of having to make our son stop a therapy he has waited 9 months to start, that is making such a positive impact on him. Yet, I see the Lord's hand in our lives. In my last post on this blog, I talk about paying tithing and how my faith was tested in that. Well the Lord proved that he will keep his promises to us, if we keep doing all that we are suppose to do. In the midst of this storm, the Lord's hand is guiding us even if it is just one step at a time. I have faith that He has got this. That brings me peace and comfort. Let the storm rage on. The Lord is covering us with His hand.

"Remember when it rained? In the Water I remain."

Life is Full of Lessons... Which Expeiences will we Choose to Learn From?

Recently, I had to take my 10 year old Sam in for a check-up. The doctor came into the room with a very concerned look on her face. "Sam has only gained 4 pounds in the last year." She said. "Sam has always been thin, no matter how much I feed him, he just does not gain weight easily." I replied. Long story short, we came up with a plan for him to try and get him gaining weight. One part of that plan was to do a blood test to make sure that he doesn't have any underlying issues going on more than just genetics and a super high metabolism. The doctor wanted to look for things like Hyperthyroidism, and Diabetes 1.

Sam had never had his blood drawn before. No amount of encouraging, explaining, bribing, or hand holding could make him feel more at ease about it. So they had to use three different nurses, one to put him in a bear hug, one to hold his arm, and the other one to actually draw the blood. He cried and yelled and hated the whole experience. I stood in front of him, held his hand and tried to comfort him through the process. It wasn't helping. My two youngest children Marcus (2) and Emily (4) were at this apt with us and when Marcus saw Sam crying, he got down off his chair, came over and puts his hand on Sam's knee and looked up at Sam with concern on his face. Then he looked around at the nurses, picked the one closest to him and walked over and kicked her leg, then went back to Sam to tried and comfort him more. I am sure in his little mind he was thinking, "Don't worry Sam, I am on it. I'll kick this lady and then she will stop hurting you." Sweet that he was trying to protect his big brother like that, but sad that the lady got kicked. She laughed a bit and said "I wasn't even the one drawing his blood, I was just helping."

I was thinking about this experience and my perspective vs Sam's and even Marcus' perspective. I was standing up and looking at the whole situation, seeing that though it was not fun watching my child cry, I knew that this was a necessary step in finding out how to best help him to gain the weight he needs to be healthy. I knew that it was only a small moment of pain to bring about a needed result. I could also see from my perspective that the nurses weren't trying to hurt him, they were only doing their job and trying to help him by testing his blood.  Sam was convinced that this was the most painful, horrible thing that he could ever go through. He said he understood why it needed to happen, but he didn't want to go through the process or the pain to get the result. Marcus could only see that people were hurting his brother and he wanted them to stop, so he felt justified in hurting them to bring about that result.

I was thinking later that day about the whole experience and realizing how God looks down on us during our lives. He sees the whole picture and sees that many times the trials, the pain, and heartache we go through how ever hard they might seem at the time, are for our growth and development. We can choose to grit our teeth and hate every moment of it, we can choose  to get angry and take it out on others, or we can choose to hold on and have perspective. We can choose to see this is just a small moment of pain and discomfort on our way to greatness. It is worth holding on and staying true to the things we know. We know that God loves us. We know we are here to learn to become more like him. We know that even Jesus Christ had to suffer all things and he was perfect, he didn't deserve it, but he chose it, so that he would know how to succor each of us in our moments of pain and trial. We know that we need to forgive those who hurt us as hard as that may be. God can see the whole picture, we can't. Maybe that person is going through their own rough time and they are reacting, and they lash out at us, maybe we are the closest person to them. Not that it excuses their behavior, but it does mean we are not qualified to judge them, because we can't always see the whole picture. Just like with Marcus and that Nurse. We don't know that person's history, or what they have had to pass through, but God does. So we can pray to God for that person, and for us to have a forgiving heart. Sometimes that is all we can do.

Here's another experience I had recently, to preface this, Don and I have striven through the time we have been married to live within our means. We save up and buy cars in cash, we avoid credit card debt when at all possible and we have enjoyed living debt free except for having a house payment. Because of this life style, we have lived simply and humbly, but comfortably. I have always been blessed to stay at home with our children which is what I always wanted to do.

In our church we are asked to pay Tithing. The Lord gave a commandment in the Bible to pay 10% of our increase back to him. We pay ours to the church for the building of churches, temples, printing of scriptures, and other church materials. In our church the leaders are not paid, they give their time and service for free, but everyone that is a member including the leaders of the our church is asked to pay that 10%. Because we believe that the Lord gives us all we have, giving 10% back has never seemed like much of a sacrifice. In Malachi 3:10 the Lord says: "Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be meat in mine house, and prove me now herewith, saith the Lord of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it."

Throughout my life, I have paid Tithing and never thought twice about it. But for the first time, last month, I struggled to pay it. Since we moved from Alaska to Texas we have been struggling financially. We haven't been doing anything different, but the Army does pay us less to live down here and it just seems that every time we turn around we have another unexpected expense and our hearty savings is down to pennies. As I wrote out the tithing check for December I cried thinking I don't know where this money is going to come from after this, this is all we have left in savings and it seems every penny in our checking is spoken for with a mortgage, bills, and a family or 7 to feed. I thought. Later that day I was telling my worries a friend and she said "Stacy, the Lord has said PROVE ME NOW HEREWITH." Then in church that Sunday I heard the same scripture repeated. We were hit with a huge dental bill that month for one of our kids and I didn't see how on earth we were going to pay it. A few days before Christmas, we received a rebate check in the mail that we had sent off for months before and it covered part of that bill. Then a very generous family member gave us money for Christmas, enough to cover another portion of that bill so only some of it had to go on a credit card. We made it through the month of December without going into the hole. We felt the Lord was answering his promise because of our faithfulness to paying our tithing.

The first Sunday in January, I bore my testimony in church about this principle and how it had strengthened me in my resolve to keep God's Commandments even in those times where we can't see how things will work out. On my way out of church someone pulled me aside and asked "Are things better financially now?" I told him not yet, but I had paid my tithing for January and was holding on to my faith that God would come through again. Last Sunday that same person stopped me on my way out of church and asked if we were still struggling. I said "Maybe..." "Yes or No Sister Larson." "Um...yes..." "Come with me." he said. Then he handed me money and said "This is from my emergency stash, this not a loan, this is a gift. I started crying and said "I can't take your emergency money." He said "You are having the emergency, not me." I thanked him from the bottom of my heart. Then the next day Don and I were able to go grocery shopping for food for our family because of the money that he gave us. We would not have been able to, otherwise.

Yes, sometimes the Lord blesses us through other people. I have a testimony that the Lord knows each one of us. He knows are struggles, our heartaches, and our joys. He is ready and willing to bless us if we are ready and willing to keep his commandments and follow his Son's example. I am grateful for this knowledge and for life's little lessons that strengthen my faith and remind me of His love for us.