"If it takes my whole life, I won't break, I won't bend. It will all be worth it in the end."

Yesterday I received a call from my 10 years old Daniel’s school saying that he was in the principal’s office and I needed to come and talk with the two of them at school and then take Daniel home. Apparently he had gotten into an argument with a student and threw a pencil in the other student’s direction and the pencil hit the teacher. The principal said Daniel has really been struggling the last few days. I said part of that might be that his Dad moved away and isn’t living with us during the week. As soon as I said that, he broke down in tears. Daniel really struggles with change and his daddy is a big part of his life. It is hard to be without him.

Daniel wrote a letter on his own apologizing for accidentally hitting the teacher with the pencil, asked if she was ok, and wrote how he should have handled things differently. Daniel can always do that after the fact. He has been taught right and wrong, but part of the struggle with his Autism is that he doesn’t take a breath between getting upset about something and taking the time to think about the best way to react, he just reacts immediately. I told him that he had lost his chance to play on the switch that day (which he earns for having a good day at school). He cried and asked if there was anything he could do to earn it back. As we walked up to the house I told him that if he picked up the pine cones littering the front yard he could earn it back. He started on his own and then when the task seemed too overwhelming he came to me and asked for my help. I raked and he used the snow shovel to put each pile we made into the yard waste bin. He worked without complaint until the front was completely clear of pine cones and the yard waste bin was full to the top. I thought it was a great teaching opportunity and hoped he would make better choices at school the next day.

This afternoon I was called on the phone by the school and told to come quickly because Daniel was in a state of hysteria and they couldn’t control him. I rushed to the school and when I arrived I was taken to a small room where he usually goes to eat breakfast and lunch (with other students that can’t handle the noise and craziness of the lunch room). I walked in to see various toys strewn all over the floor, and Daniel sitting in a chair, screaming and crying. The principal had been sitting next to him trying to talk to him and help him regain control, but had been unsuccessful in doing so. She moved when she saw me coming and I pulled up a chair next to him. He threw his head onto my lap soaking my pant legs with his tears. I bent down around him allowing my body to put pressure on his upper body to give him the compression that helps him to calm down when he is out of control. I talked with the principal about what had happened. Apparently, Daniel and another student had gotten into an argument and Daniel in anger had thrown a pencil and ruler at the student. When the other student got hit he turned and punched Daniel three times in the nose and eye. I told Daniel we had just talked in detail the day before about not throwing pencils at people, that it was dangerous and he was not supposed to do that. I also acknowledged his feelings and let him know that it was not ok for the other student to punch Daniel. The principal assured us that the other student would have consequences as well. We were told that Daniel had to go home for the day and could return to school tomorrow.

This evening I got a call from the principal saying that Daniel was being expelled from school. She received word from a para educator that walked into the situation with Daniel and the other student and heard Daniel say after getting punched that he wanted to kill the other student. She said they have to meet with a team at the school and do a “threat assessment” to see if Daniel is a threat to the other students at the school. I know Daniel is not dangerous and he was speaking out of anger. It is not ok for him to have said that, but he is also the one with the bruised nose and eye. The other child has no marks on him at all, so who is the greater “threat” here?

Throughout Daniel’s life, his behavior has not reflected what he has been taught. We have loved him with all his quirks, difficulties, and struggles. We have cried over him, prayed about him, taught him every chance we could through words and actions, but to no avail, he doesn’t seem to assimilate any of our teaching. The Beatles sang “All you need is Love” if that was true in this situation Daniel would be a perfectly normal child, but love alone cannot heal him or take away the challenges he will have his whole life. 

I tried explaining to the principal that Don is gone and we have no family close by to depend on for help with my children. I have a job that I am supposed to be at, that I will not be able to go to, because Daniel will be home for the foreseeable future until this meeting can be held and they decide if he will be allowed to return to their school. I explained that Don is not getting paid for his internships even though he works the hours of a full time job and so we are dependent on my income to help pay for our groceries and other bills right now. She said she knows how difficult this will be, but she has to follow protocol and so the decision stands for now. So I may be looking at no employment soon. I have been balling my eyes out all night. Life isn’t fair, I know that, sometimes I just wish it could just be a little easier. I will continue to trust in God and know that he will help us through this difficult time, just like he has in the past.