A Leap of Faith

Sometimes our choices in life seem easy to make. They may be choices that have little or no consequence in the broad scheme of things. For instance, deciding which road to take home from the store, what to make for dinner, or what clothes to put on for the day.

 

Sometimes in life the path ahead is dark and the way uncertain. We don't know what plan is the best for us and if we take that step into the dark what consequences for good or bad it will have. In those instances, we may pray or read our scriptures more in search of an answer and ultimately we have to trust that we are in God's hands and so we put our trust in Him and take a leap of faith.

My husband and I have been in a state of uncertainty for about 7 months now. As I had posted in an earlier post "Remember when it Rained" we found out that after 13 years of service in the Army, my husband was being told he had to get out within two months. We had always planned on retiring from the military and we had sacrificed for years to achieve that goal.

Two weeks before we were going to be kicked out with nothing to show for it, no insurance, no retirement, and no job, my husband had an appointment with an ortho doc who said, "I have been looking at your MRI images on your knee...Have you ever considered Medically Retiring?" YES! He had been begging his command to let him medically retire, but they had all told him no. Now he was being allowed extend for a year to give him enough time to start and complete the medical retirement process. In the mean time, our pay and benefits continued. We were so relieved, now we would have a way to continue providing for our family of seven. It was also a relief to know that we would have continued insurance for our 3rd son who has Autism and has in home therapy 5 days a week.

About 10 days ago we got word that the Army and VA had decided his percentages. With anticipation we went down to meet with my husband's case manager and she laid out the paperwork and explained the decisions. The VA looks at everything that is wrong head to toe and they decide their percentages based on that. Because my husband has been blown up twice on deployments and has been in the Army for so many years, his body has taken a beating. They assessed everything and gave him a rating of 100%. This means that the VA will give him a check monthly for the rest of his life to compensate for all of his injuries. It will be more than his base pay, but less than we make now, because we won't have all the extras added to it (housing, food allowances, insurance etc.) It also means he will receive medical care for the rest of his life. Another benefit is that we will pay little or no property tax on a house (depending on the state we live in), it also means that as the spouse I qualify for free college education and so do all 5 of our children! That is HUGE! He also qualifies for free education though the GI Bill and because he joined after 9-11 we qualify for our housing to be paid while he is in school! That my friends is the great news in all of this.

Now for the bad news. The Army doesn't look at what is wrong with him head to toe. They look at what conditions prevent him from doing his job. So even though there is a lot wrong with him, they only said that his knee was preventing him from doing his job and they rated that as 10%. To medically retire you have to have at least 30%. That means, no retirement, no insurance, no pay check from the Army. He is just being "medically severed" from the Army instead. The good news is, because his knee is combat related we get a one time severance check that is non-taxable and does not have to be paid back.

We had the right to accept these terms or to fight them. The case manager said if we fight them, we could get more or we could get less. That the people in charge at the hearing would do everything they could to trick him, to make it seem like he wasn't broken or that he didn't deserve what they were offering. She told us we had a week to decide to accept or to fight it.

We left there feeling dumb founded. On the one hand the VA was offering us everything we had hoped for. On the other hand the Army was not offering us anything we had expected. Now we had to make a decision. I could not wrap my head around not having insurance. We have had full coverage insurance since I had our first baby. We have no premiums, no co-pays, no deductables. It has all been covered 100%. Now we were facing having to not only find insurance elsewhere, but also having to accept that it wasn't going to be paid for the same way, so we would have to make more money to make up for the money we would be putting out just to have it. If we fought it, we could gamble loosing the very large severance check they would be giving us.

Call me crazy, but I sat and pondered for a long time and within the first day, I felt that we should accept what they were offering us and not fight it. For my husband, he was not convinced. We continued to pray about it and the night before we had to make the decision my husband was able to get a priesthood blessing. In the blessing the very first thing that was said was, counsel with your wife. In that moment, I had the thought "what have I been feeling and telling him all along?" In that same moment, my husband had the same thought. In the blessing we were also told that the decision wouldn't be made clear to us until after we had taken that leap of faith and made our decision. Before that our judgement would be cloudy and we would feel confused. We discussed our feelings and thoughts after the blessing was over. The next day he went in to his case manager and we still weren't 100% sure which decision we would make. He stepped outside and we prayed together over the phone. As I prayed I started to cry as I said "Heavenly Father you know the needs of our family. Please help us to make the right decision." After the prayer he walked back into the case manager's office and accepted the offer.

We now have 90 days left until he is out of the Army for good. Now we have a timeline, he can look for other jobs. We also were successful in selling our house, so we are not tied to this area if a job or schooling takes us elsewhere. The Army is pretty much all we have ever known during our married life. It is scary to leave the path we know, the path we have become accustomed to, but it is also exciting to see where our path will lead now. Hopefully it leads to more years of being together and less of being apart. Being able to see our dreams fulfilled and being able to raise our children together. Even though we can't see the path ahead, God can. We have faith and trust that He will be there to continue to guide us with the big decisions in our life.

Scars

I have been thinking a lot about scars and healing lately. It is no surprise that this has been on my mind. I had shoulder surgery on August 9th. This was not an easy decision for me, but since my last baby was born 2 1/2 years ago, I have been in constant pain and had limited range of motion. I had tried physical therapy, lots of ib profen, and cortisone shots to help combat the pain. After having an allergic reaction to the last cortisone shot, the Orthopedic doctor told me I had exhausted all of my options and it was time to talk to the surgeon.

I saw the first orthopedic surgeon and she discussed the findings of my MRI with me and said it was going to be a very extensive surgery that would require me to wear a sling for 6 weeks afterwards. It would also require me to not lift anything with that arm for 3 months and told me in total it would take a full six months to recover. With tears in my eyes, I told her I had 5 kids ranging in age from 13 to 2 1/2. I didn't know how I could possibly take care of my family and home with those restrictions. She wanted me to have a second opinion and when the second surgeon came in he agreed with all that she has said and said even more was required to fix the problems in my shoulder. They both looked at me with compassion and told me to go home and discuss it with my husband and let them know if I decided to go ahead with the surgery.

My wonderful mother was coming to the end of her lease with my sister in Washington state and agreed to come down and move in with us while I recovered and my husband arranged to take some time off work. With a prayer in my heart I went into surgery.

Once the surgeon got in to the shoulder he said it looked worse than he expected. I had calcific tendonitis which means calcium deposits had formed inside the tendon that connects the clavicle bone to the ball of my shoulder. First they probe with a needle to see if they are in the right area before they start cutting.

As he poked the needle in and pulled it out, it was full of calcium. (The white stuff inside the needle.)

He also said tendons are supposed to be a nice white color, mine was all red and raw looking. (The picture above with all the red spots is the tendon.)

Above: This is looking into the tendon like looking in the end of a straw. The inside of the tendon was completely full of yellow calcium.

Above: Looking down at the ball of the shoulder once all the calcium and bad part of the tendon were removed. I basically was left with a huge hole in my rotator cuff after all was cleaned away.

Then the surgeon made 4 holes in my shoulder bone to put anchors with threads into the bone so he could stretch the good part of the tendon over and sew it down.

Above: Tendon all sewn down and anchored into the ball of my shoulder.

 

The other problem I had was in the area where the bicep muscle attaches to the bone. It was fraying, (the little thread like things coming off the top), there is also a red area above where he could see the irritation. So he had to cut the muscle where it was attached and reattach it to the bone, farther down on my arm.

One blessing is that in this day and age all this was done laproscopically so on the outside I only have 4 small holes and one 1 1/2 inch cut near my armpit and into my armpit. It looks mild on the outside.

As soon as I woke up from surgery, I immediately threw up. The pain was so intense that it made me sick to my stomach. I laid there sleeping and in the moments I was awake tears would stream down my face as I tried to breath through the pain.

For three days after surgery, I had been throwing up anytime I would try to eat, drink, or take my pain meds, so the surgeon admitted me to the hospital for iv fluids (a banana pack with vitamins and minerals) and iv pain meds. I was there for 4 days. The first 3 weeks, I struggled with digestion, with throwing up, and with pain. I would try to sleep and would have nightmares that I was lifting things that were too heavy, or lifting my arms above my head and would wake up in horrible pain having muscle spasms that would send my arm shooting up. It has been a rough recovery to say the least. I started physical therapy the same week I had surgery and I am making slow, steady progress with the goal of being able to raise my arm to a 90 degree angle to the front and to the side by 6 weeks out from surgery.

This has been a very humbling experience for me. I don't like not being able to take care of my children or home, or even to care for myself without help. Throughout my adult life, I have learned to be an independent person. I have overcome many trials, and challenges. I have faced each one and gotten through them with determination. I have been blessed several times with the love and support of family members and friends. There have been times that I haven't been able to do it on my own and have cried out in prayer for God to help me through it. I have been strengthened, comforted, and have been able to get through each one. This time the lesson is that I have to allow others to do things for me, which goes against everything I have become, but at this point I don't have a choice otherwise. It has also been a blessing, instead of being distracted by the regular household chores and other things that kept me busy, I get to just spend time snuggling, reading, watching movies, and talking with my kids and husband.

Above: Husband with his new sleep apnea mask and me in my sling. This is what true love looks like...when you are all broken, but you still love the other person just the same as you did when you were young and unbroken.

 A couple weeks out from surgery, I was reading a book called "A Dogs Life" to my boys before bed one night.

 It is a sweet and also sad book of a stray dog and all that she has to go through in her life, just to survive. She suffers scars from unkind humans who mistreat her. She looses her mother, her brother, her only friend. At one point in the story she and her friend are hit by a car and taken to a vet. The book says: "Dr Roth laid her hand on my head and said "she has led a pretty hard life, she has been on her own for a long time, lots of scars, she's been in a few scrapes. There is nothing seriously wrong with her, if her leg heals, she'll be just fine." The dog talks about how gentle Dr Roth's hands were as she took care of her.

I know it sounds a little stupid, but after all I had been through I couldn't help but cry when I read this chapter to my kids. Here is this poor dog who had been through so much and her body showed the proof of that through her scars. But in that moment in the vet's office she could breath easy, she was going to be taken care of, she could just rest and recover.

My body reveals the scars of my past as well. I have physical scars from biking accidents, from childbirth, from various surgeries. I also have emotional scars from things that have happened in my past. Yet all of these scars have made me who I am today they witness that I have struggled, but also that I have survived.

A couple of days after reading that chapter in "A Dogs Life," I was reading 3 Nephi 17:7 Jesus said: "Have you any sick among you? Bring them hither. Have ye any that are lame, or blind, halt, or maimed, or leprous, or that are withered, or that are deaf, or that are afflicted in any manner? Bring them hither and I will heal them, for I have compassion upon you; my bowels are filled with mercy."

Again cue the tears...here was a witness of a way to be healed. Through the Savior. He knows the trials we face, he knows the scars on our hearts and our bodies. He wants to heal each of us. He wanted to know how to comfort us that is why he took upon himself all the pains and sicknesses of the world, so that he would have empathy for each of us. We have to be willing to come unto him, to trust him, and allow ourselves to be healed. He has healed me in the past and I know that he will heal me this time. There are lessons I am learning and will continue to learn through this trial. It may be slow, but healing will come in time.